Night and Day

It's not just a song by Cole Porter or a movie starring Cary Grant. It's about change. When one says "night and day," usually it's in reference to some drastic difference or change between two things. But right now I want to wax philosophical about slight change. (Fellow NSers may recognize this theme from yesterday's Daily Dose, so bear with me.)

Yesterday's Daily Dose, which I just read today, asks NSers to focus on gradual change. After a lifetime of overeating, not exercising and other bad habits, 7 days of being "good" feels like an eternity. Then when you make it through those days and get on the scale and see that you've lost 1 or 2 pounds, or even nothing at all, it seems like all that effort was wasted. Because you want to see a DRASTIC change reflected in those 3 little numbers. You want the number of pounds lost to equal what you think is the 'value' of your effort during the past week. Losing 1 pound seems hardly comparable to the HUGE-MONGOUS effort it took for me not to eat the extra 2 slices of Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza, not to grab the Snickers I wanted while standing in the WalMart line, not to stop at Taco Bell on my way home from school and go to the gym instead ... all this when all I really wanted to do is eat and then sleep.

Now my effort is to start focusing on the "little" things, what I liked to call 'What About Bob's Baby Steps'. You may recall that I have broken up with my poor-excuse for a scale. I saw a really cool one at Linens-N-Things that I may get this weekend. So, I'm making a list of the differences I've noticed in myself to keep myself encouraged until I start seeing the numbers I want to see:

1. Except for being sleep-deprived, I feel GREAT. When I'm awake, I have a ton of energy.
2. I walk faster.
3. Everything in my closet fits or is loose.
4. I can still talk after 55 minutes of cardio.
5. When I sit down, I can actually see a gap between my legs.
6. NO MORE DOUBLE CHIN (except in really bad, awkward drunken pictures)
7. It's easier to eat healthy because I actually feel kind of sick eating too much junky food.
8. I don't mind looking in the mirror so much ... I feel pretty ("oh soo pretty/ I feel pretty and witty and bright!")
9. The surprised looks and silent nods of approval from friends and family when they see me, look straight at my midsection, then smile.
10. I'm such a regular at the gym, I can walk in without checking in and my trainer gives me scheduling priority.
11. * I lost an inch in my waist -- I think. I could've just been holding my breath (hence, the asterisk).

And this is a list of things I'm looking forward to:

1. Learning how to roller blade.
2. Looking SEXY in a bathing suit (one that I don't have to wear with shorts).
3. Buying an outfit at the Gap.
4. Borrowing something to wear from my skinny friend's closet.
5. Getting rid of all the clothes I can wear now because they are simply TOO BIG.
6. Liking my silhouette and not being as 'deep' as I am 'wide'. (I want to be shaped like an hourglass, not a cylinder.)
7. Riding a horse.
8. Getting on a plane without a seatbelt extender.
9. Being stared at cause I'm HOT and not cause I'm HUGE.
10. Crossing my legs.

Can't wait to start checking off each of these items. Wish me luck!

The Break-Up

We’ve broken up. We needed time apart. I’d been feeling this way for a while, but I didn’t know how to let go. I mean, we’ve been together nearly every day for more than 3 years. I’d come to develop this weird dependency: he made me miserable, but I couldn’t walk away. In all our time together, for every 50 times we didn’t see eye to eye, there was maybe only 1 or 2 times that he’d say the right thing and make me happy.

Everyone kept telling me, "You don’t need him,""He’s a liar,""He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about," or "Just find yourself a new one, there are plenty out there." I just kept hoping that if I made an effort and really, really tried, he’d change for me. Sometimes, he’d be good for a day or two, then revert to his old ways. I stuck with him anyway. Even though things weren’t working out. Even though in my heart of hearts I knew it was him and not me! How effed up is that?!!

I have had no contact with him for more than a week now. It’s difficult cause I still see him everyday, but we don’t communicate. I think I’m finally ready to move on. I know he was holding me back and I’m not about to let his vision of me define me. It doesn’t matter what he says! It only matters how I feel, what I do to make myself better and be the person I want to be, and I don’t need to focus on him like his assessment of me is the meaning of life.

Besides, I have my eye on a new one. I think it could be the one. But I’m not going to jump in just yet. I need some time alone, to think and re-evaluate. I’m going to really take my time to decide what it is I want from this relationship. And what I’ve learned is that when I commit like this again -- and I will -- I’m not going to limit myself. I’m going to aim high! I want a scale with all the bells and whistles! One that doesn’t just tell me my weight, but measures my fat content as well! One that stores my previous weight in memory for quick comparisons! One that measures in pounds AND kilograms! Maybe even one that talks!! ... or maybe not. My point is I’m not going to settle! And as far as my old scale? I’m over him.