Who is Charity For Anyway?

Is there such a thing as a "happy" Monday?!  I am, however, happy to say that I had a nice, productive and positive weekend; as usual, though, it was too short.

I rang in the weekend Friday night by joining friends at G's Place in Hollywood to watch the Dolphins go 2-0 in preseason.  Let's hope the 'Fins aren't repeating last year's trend of starting out like gangbusters, fizzling in mid-season and winding up with a mediocre season...again. 

Saturday morning I joined three good friends on a trek to Homestead.  TANGENT ALERT: I discovered there is a SW 312th Street in Miami; this was amazing to me as I live in NE 191st Street and I think once it gets to NE 2 hundred-some-teen street it turns into Broward County.  Funny the things you learn after only 25 years in this county. SMH

So, my good friend supports Bridge to Hope charity through St. John's Episcopal Church in Miami, and on the third Saturday of every month needy families gather to eat and collect groceries that have been donated/collected on their behalf.  We lined the table with the lunch she prepared: aluminum pans of pasta and tomato sauce, meatballs, caesar salad, rolls and chocolate chip cookies.    I was assigned to meatballs with the instruction of 2 per plate until everyone had been fed. 

At 11am we faced the crowd and started to serve. On my left, my friend grabbed an empty plate: "Salad? Pasta?"  She then handed the plate to me.  "Would you like meatballs?" I asked.  "A roll?"  I hand the plate to the pastor on my right whose job was to sprinkle grated cheese on the pasta, meatballs and salad.  He also handed out dessert: 2 chocolate chip cookies on small pink and red paper plates that read "Happy Valentine's Day".  And so the assembly line began.  Mothers of varying ages steered their children to the table.  The younger children could barely see over the table; it was quite amusing to watch their balancing acts - trying to hold their plates of food straight while they're eyes were bulging over the tray of cookies at the end of the line. 

The next 45 minutes was a blur of "Thank you" "No salad, please" "Gracias." "Oh, come on, can I have another meatball?" "God bless you all" "Can I take a plate home for my blind husband?" "Thank you so much for doing this" "Can I have seconds?"   Not everyone spoke English, but across the board their smiles expressed gratitude and appreciation.  I knew that for many of them, the meal we were serving might be their only hot meal of the day, if not their only meal.  I was humbled.  I felt such relief when we'd finally fed everyone and I was able to give seconds and 3, 4 and even 6 meatballs out at a time! 

After everyone ate, they lined up outside to receive groceries.  The stage behind was loaded with hundreds of plastic bags filled with various items: pastas, cereals, rice, canned goods, condiments, etc.  Each person received a minimum of 3 bags and more depending on the size of the family.  We fell into another assembly line: fill a plastic postal bin with 3-4 bags, slide it down the stage near the door where the line began.  We emptied the bins, handed bags out, and tossed the empty bins back to the stage until all the groceries were gone.  St. John's hooked these people UP!!!

When I agreed to volunteer for this, I wasn't sure what to expect.  I knew I'd feel good about my good deed for the day, but more important it was a powerful reminder of how fortunate I am that my basic needs are met and I don't need to rely on the kindness of strangers for my next meal.  I have an excellent support system of family and friends and I never want to take that for granted.  I do sometimes, and I need to remember my blessings.  Which all makes me wonder: who is charity for anyway?  I thought I was doing something to help them and it turns out it helped me. ... Can't wait til the third Saturday of September. ;o)

There's No Place Like Home

Yesterday I found my new home church: Trinity Church Miami.  It's rather ironic that after searching for/researching new churches for the last couple of months, the one that fit is the one closest to me. Blessings!

My younger sister Ashley accompanied me on this first visit. She hadn't been there either, but had heard good things about it.  We walked in about 8 minutes before the 11am service; I wanted to rush and find a bathroom before it began.  From the moment the doors opened I felt overwhelmed by the activity: people rushing back and forth, greeting each other and passing out flyers; bright and colorful movie posters for Toy Story 3, Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married and others lined the walls and pillars; TV monitors hung from the ceiling with "commercials" for various church events. I even made out two lines of people who I discovered were waiting for free popcorn and juice that were being distributed.  I saw attendees of all ages and races, men and women, and everyone was happy and bustling around.  All I could think was: this is a church??

I was raised Roman Catholic, which means I was baptized at around 6 months of age, made my First Communion in the second grade and was confirmed in seventh grade.  I attended private Catholic schools from kindergarten through high school graduation.  Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe that Catholics have a monopoly on a genuine personal relationship with God? Definitely not.  Every relationship with God (or whatever supernatural being you may or may not believe in) is a personal one and can't be globally defined.  Meaning, how I choose to manifest my relationship with God in my life is just that: my choice. 
But it's kind of hard to find a church that doesn't judge. One that truly embraces everyone and desires true community and acceptance of its members...all members.  Isn't that what the church is supposed to be?

I made it to the bathroom and then Ashley and I found seats in the auditorium just as the service was about to begin.  The lights dimmed in the auditorium and lit up over the stage; the monitors and screens throughout the room showed the band that seemed to just materialize on the stage.  The music started to play.  I suddenly noticed a choir of about 12-15 stood on the left of the stage.  The band began a praise and worship jam, calling everyone to stand up, raise their hands and clap to the upbeat Christian rock song.  The auditorium that had been fairly empty when Ashley and I walked in, was now PACKED with happy members, clapping and singing and dancing.  Again I thought: this a friggin' church?!?

After 3 great songs we sat and Pastor Robyn spoke.  She and her husband Rich are co-pastors of Trinity.  She discussed the myriad activities and events the church puts on and there are MANY! I've been looking for a way to get "plugged in" to a good community of fellowship and it was refreshing to find a church that has a lot of ways to get involved and meet new people.  A couple of the other churches I tried were limited: Sunday service at 10; Wednesday bible study at 7 and that's it about it. 

Then it was time for Trinity's At the Movies August series.  In an effort to increase attendance during the month of August, which apparently is the month with the lowest church attendance nationally, Trinity came up with this series of teaching through the use of current films.  The message for the day -- staying on the path God lays out for you -- was explored through Toy Story 3, and we watched several clips of the film with brief discussions of the moral lessons rooted therein.  It was lively, interesting, creative and relevant.  It was a treat to be able to discuss Christian lessons in an updated, relatable way.  Next week the movie is Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married. I'm very much looking forward to that.  Imagine; watching movies --good ones-- in church!

Ashley and I left the 95 minute service and I was invigorated. We were greeted by Pastor Robyn in the parking lot. I introduced myself and told her it was my first visit.  I extended my hand and she opened her arms and hugged me. It could've felt awkward but it didn't.  Actually, what I thought was: I finally found my church. :o)

Back in the saddle...

Unfroze my LA Fitness membership yesterday and made an appointment to see my trainer next Friday.  It's been nearly 4 months (actually 16 weeks ago as of tomorrow) since the accident, and it's been a huge struggle not to gain weight despite the holidays and the forced sedentary lifestyle.  Last night I only managed about 25 minutes: 4-5 set of 20 reps on machines working my shoulders, back and chest, followed by 13 minutes on the recumbent bike.  I'm sore...but I feel good. I may even go back. LOL

My goal is not to focus so much on actual numbers on the scale, but rather the discipline and consistency in my efforts.  I believe that eventually the good deeds will pile up and result in a healthier me.  That said, I have two weddings and a birthday in May and it'd be nice to get in better shape by then.  So I'm setting a weight loss goal of 10 solid pounds before the big day. That should make a difference in how my dress fits, double chins, etc.  Wish me luck!!

I'm Baaaaccckkk...(again)

Happy 2011 to my adoring fans(fan?)!!

I'm lubing my knuckles and brushing the rust off my blogging skills . I'm coming up for air after a pretty lousy 3 months of recovery after The Accident: Demise of Ritter (see my Facebook if you need to get up to speed).

Lately, I've had a lot of time to think, evaluate and re-evalute much of my life and its direction. I've learned many lessons, one of which applies both to my physical and mental recovery: ATROPHY SUCKS. So, I'm flexing my mental muscle by re-committing to regular blogging duties. Yay!! Those of you who were regular readers before know what to expect:

"A little bit of everything; a lot of what you like!"

Stay tuned...

Night and Day

It's not just a song by Cole Porter or a movie starring Cary Grant. It's about change. When one says "night and day," usually it's in reference to some drastic difference or change between two things. But right now I want to wax philosophical about slight change. (Fellow NSers may recognize this theme from yesterday's Daily Dose, so bear with me.)

Yesterday's Daily Dose, which I just read today, asks NSers to focus on gradual change. After a lifetime of overeating, not exercising and other bad habits, 7 days of being "good" feels like an eternity. Then when you make it through those days and get on the scale and see that you've lost 1 or 2 pounds, or even nothing at all, it seems like all that effort was wasted. Because you want to see a DRASTIC change reflected in those 3 little numbers. You want the number of pounds lost to equal what you think is the 'value' of your effort during the past week. Losing 1 pound seems hardly comparable to the HUGE-MONGOUS effort it took for me not to eat the extra 2 slices of Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza, not to grab the Snickers I wanted while standing in the WalMart line, not to stop at Taco Bell on my way home from school and go to the gym instead ... all this when all I really wanted to do is eat and then sleep.

Now my effort is to start focusing on the "little" things, what I liked to call 'What About Bob's Baby Steps'. You may recall that I have broken up with my poor-excuse for a scale. I saw a really cool one at Linens-N-Things that I may get this weekend. So, I'm making a list of the differences I've noticed in myself to keep myself encouraged until I start seeing the numbers I want to see:

1. Except for being sleep-deprived, I feel GREAT. When I'm awake, I have a ton of energy.
2. I walk faster.
3. Everything in my closet fits or is loose.
4. I can still talk after 55 minutes of cardio.
5. When I sit down, I can actually see a gap between my legs.
6. NO MORE DOUBLE CHIN (except in really bad, awkward drunken pictures)
7. It's easier to eat healthy because I actually feel kind of sick eating too much junky food.
8. I don't mind looking in the mirror so much ... I feel pretty ("oh soo pretty/ I feel pretty and witty and bright!")
9. The surprised looks and silent nods of approval from friends and family when they see me, look straight at my midsection, then smile.
10. I'm such a regular at the gym, I can walk in without checking in and my trainer gives me scheduling priority.
11. * I lost an inch in my waist -- I think. I could've just been holding my breath (hence, the asterisk).

And this is a list of things I'm looking forward to:

1. Learning how to roller blade.
2. Looking SEXY in a bathing suit (one that I don't have to wear with shorts).
3. Buying an outfit at the Gap.
4. Borrowing something to wear from my skinny friend's closet.
5. Getting rid of all the clothes I can wear now because they are simply TOO BIG.
6. Liking my silhouette and not being as 'deep' as I am 'wide'. (I want to be shaped like an hourglass, not a cylinder.)
7. Riding a horse.
8. Getting on a plane without a seatbelt extender.
9. Being stared at cause I'm HOT and not cause I'm HUGE.
10. Crossing my legs.

Can't wait to start checking off each of these items. Wish me luck!

The Break-Up

We’ve broken up. We needed time apart. I’d been feeling this way for a while, but I didn’t know how to let go. I mean, we’ve been together nearly every day for more than 3 years. I’d come to develop this weird dependency: he made me miserable, but I couldn’t walk away. In all our time together, for every 50 times we didn’t see eye to eye, there was maybe only 1 or 2 times that he’d say the right thing and make me happy.

Everyone kept telling me, "You don’t need him,""He’s a liar,""He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about," or "Just find yourself a new one, there are plenty out there." I just kept hoping that if I made an effort and really, really tried, he’d change for me. Sometimes, he’d be good for a day or two, then revert to his old ways. I stuck with him anyway. Even though things weren’t working out. Even though in my heart of hearts I knew it was him and not me! How effed up is that?!!

I have had no contact with him for more than a week now. It’s difficult cause I still see him everyday, but we don’t communicate. I think I’m finally ready to move on. I know he was holding me back and I’m not about to let his vision of me define me. It doesn’t matter what he says! It only matters how I feel, what I do to make myself better and be the person I want to be, and I don’t need to focus on him like his assessment of me is the meaning of life.

Besides, I have my eye on a new one. I think it could be the one. But I’m not going to jump in just yet. I need some time alone, to think and re-evaluate. I’m going to really take my time to decide what it is I want from this relationship. And what I’ve learned is that when I commit like this again -- and I will -- I’m not going to limit myself. I’m going to aim high! I want a scale with all the bells and whistles! One that doesn’t just tell me my weight, but measures my fat content as well! One that stores my previous weight in memory for quick comparisons! One that measures in pounds AND kilograms! Maybe even one that talks!! ... or maybe not. My point is I’m not going to settle! And as far as my old scale? I’m over him.

Nike Was On To Something...

So at 7:40 this morning I'm standing outside my door, trying to balance my laptop, purse, smoothie, water bottle and bookbag in a way so that I can still manipulate my keys enough to lock my door, and I'm already thinking "This is going to be a loooonnnngg day." As I walk down the stairs, I mentally catalogue all the things I have to remember to do: copy the study aid my classmate let my borrow [to the chagrin of the publisher], draft my main points and "umbrella" section due for LSVII tomorrow, finish my reading for Civ Pro tonight, go to the gym -- do I have my gym clothes? Oh, yeah, there from yesterday since I skipped it last night, so I HAVE to go tonight -- walk my dog, etc. And I think, "How am I going to do it all?" I sigh and answer myself, mentally, of course, "I guess I'll just do it." PAUSE ... A lightbulb goes off in my head (and some cash register in Nike headquarters chimed, I'm sure). "Aha!! THAT's where 'they' got it from." Someone, somewhere, some time ago looked in the face of some immensely daunting task, wondered desperately how in heaven's name she/he could get through it and thought "I'll just do it." And a millionaire was born.

I'm in my third week of my new health regimen; I've been pretty good and disciplined. But the scale doesn't want to cooperate. I feel GREAT. I've been functioning on 5-6 hours of sleep a night and despite my incessant griping and my afternoon crash yesterday (which I solved with 5 Hour Energy, my new best friend!), I'm doing pretty okay. Except the scale doesn't want to cooperate. And though I know I shouldn't be so numbers focused, I can't help it. It's really the only concrete measure of success ... or failure. :-( So, I'm taking a page from Blah-blah-blah Blagojevich's book and boycotting my scale. It's a way to focus on the other benefits of working out and trying to be health conscious, yada yada yada. So, my oath is this: I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF FOR ___ (I haven't figured out for how long yet) I'm going to start with getting through this week. Maybe it would help if I throw it off the balcony. Just a thought.

Who Has Time to Blog??

Okay, not that I want to neglect my audience, but geez, between school and work and occasional but frequently diminishing sleep, who has time to blog?? But I 'blog' in my head all day long: driving to work or school I'm constantly mulling over issues that I think would be great blog topics, only to realize I have no time to write it! [Keep this on the down low, but I'm sneaking in this blog at work and I'm on the clock - ssshhhh!!]

Quickly, how 'bout that President Barack H. Obama? I heard the speeches and events were awesome, only I didn't get to see much of it. I saw jerky streaming of footage on cnn.com for a while and then I lost the stream and couldn't get back on. I tried listening to it on the radio, on the NBC6 television broadcast that has a sister radio station but it doesn't come in very well in the office building and I kept hearing bits of Spanish music during the speech. I taped about 6 hours of footage though, but I'm guessing I'll be well into the summer months before I really have time to sit and digest it all. Thank goodness for youtube. and the like.

I'm in week 2 of my recommitment to health. I was great last week, managed to hit the gym 6 out of 7 days and did my morning crunches each and every weekday morning, capped off by an 8:30am session with my trainer Saturday morning. On the 7th day I rested, like all us Great ones do, and all I did was walk my dog. Did my crunches this morning, drank my smoothie, and I'm off an running...

Now, why is that I seem to have NO time to blog (though the length of this blog may lead you to believe otherwise -- my boss is on the phone)? The reading for my constitutional law class is some of the most dense, intense reading I've ever had to do. I keep thinking, "I speak English, I read in English, this book is in English, WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND???" Crazy.

Damn, she's off the phone. 'Til next time!

Day 2...

For whatever reason I just recently FINALLY figured out that I do better with a structured routine. Last semester when I was super busy with my work and school schedule, I managed to work in 4-5 workouts a week, not to mention daily walks with my dog (even if for only 15 minutes). Anyway, when school ended and I suddenly had all this time on my hands I wasn't nearly as focused or disciplined. Don't get me wrong, I did work out, but only 3-4 times weekly -- even though I had MORE time! Now, I realize part of that was that it was the holiday season and with visiting friends and family, my schedule was still pretty hectic. But my point is I do better when I'm busier. It's probably why my New Year's resolution to upgrade my workout regimen coincided with my first day of school (yesterday) and not the golden day of January 1st.

So, today is day 2 and for the 2nd day I started off just right: woke up 20 minutes earlier than usual to do 100 crunches and 45 leg raises and made my smoothie w/ whey protein (on my brand new Fit & Fresh smoothie maker from GNC, that I got on SALE). Yesterday I did 50 minutes of cardio before class and walked my dog for 20 min before bed. I hope I manage to do the same today.

Also, yesterday I upgraded my personal training at LA Fitness. When I signed up last year (Oct. 2007) I also signed up for a personal trainer through their ProResults (then Body of Change) sister company. I got a very basic plan to match my very basic budget - 2 sessions a month at $29 each. The theory was I'd have the training session and at the end he'd give me "homework" ("gymwork"?) to do until my next session. Yeah, well that didn't work out so well. I could barely drag myself into the gym when I had an appointment let alone do stuff on my own. But, again, once school started I made a commitment to myself to try harder and be more consistent. By then I'd accumulated all these sessions I hadn't used so I took it as an opportunity to jumpstart my program. I've since depleted those sessions and find myself wanting to train more. (OMG, did I really just write that?!) So, I bit the bullet and upgraded my program. Now, I have 54 sessions for the year @ $120 a month. I'm actually saving about $1.30 per session. I've worked with the same trainer since the beginning and Jason is really patient but demanding, which is good. I tell him I hate him every session. He understands.

First Day of School - 2nd Semester as a 1L

I start classes again today. I approach this second semester as a 1L at FIU Law with enthusiasm and a little bit of anxiety. It's not so much the course load -- last semester I managed a B average (though I did better in Torts than in Contracts, bummer) -- but the schedule is a bit hectic and sometimes the mere thought of it is paralyzing. I know I'm by no means the only person who works and goes to school, but I'm lazy so it kind of sucks. I leave my condo by 8am, work from 9 - 3p, suffer through westbound traffic from downtown Miami to SW 112th Ave., try to stay alert during classes from 7 - 10p on Mondays and 7-9 Tues through Thurs. OMG I need a nap just thinking about it. And amid all of this I supposed to try and cram in workouts at the gym either before class at 5 or after class at 10p. Ugh. Oh, and I have a dog to walk too, but I get help with that one. (Thanks, Danny!)


But it pays off. Toward the end of last semester I kind of hit my stride and I managed to do all those things. Of course, I wasn't perfect everyday; but I was good more days than I wasn't. So, my goal is to continue on the same path and progress. I gotta be the 'not-so-little Cassandre that could'. I will.

This semester I have the pleasure (?) of taking Civil Procedure, Constitutional Law and round 2 of Legal Skills & Values (LSV). Sounds rather boring, don't you think? I'll let you know.

Happy New Me, 2009!

Hello Readers:

Remember me? Yes, I know it's been quite a WHILE -- about a year and a half, in fact; and while so much has changed, many things have stayed the same. You know how at the end of a year, people say, "Out with old, in with the new"? Well, I think it's more like "In with the new, but make room for it cause most of the old ain't going anywhere".

So, what's new, you ask?

• Since I last actively blogged...I started law school at FIU last semester. I now work part time for a solo practioner and go to school at night. Classes start again next week and I'm getting tired just thinking about it. So, if all goes according to plan I'll be a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking, ambulance-chasing lawyer -- can't wait!


• Since I last actively blogged...A little known Illinois senator with big ears and a funny name thought it would be a good idea to run for president; in just 13 days Barack Obama will be inaugurated as the 44th President of the U.S. Now, if THAT isn't change, I don't know what is.


• Since I last actively blogged...The Miami Dolphins were recovering from a terrible 1-15 season; Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas went to different teams, we hired a can a tuna and got a head coach only people in Dallas had ever heard of; the Dolphins won the AFC East Championship this year by beating the dirty, rotten, stinkin' New York Jets.


• Since I last actively blogged...Our economy has TANKED. AIG and Lehman Brothers (companies that only people with serious money to invest cared about) went belly-up and now the blue-collar automobile industry is crumbling. Gas prices averaged $2.55 and were on the way up, where they would eventually top $4 a gallon! Though the past 4 months have brought steady decreases, as low as $1.63 just last week, they are back on the rise and it cost me $1.77 a gallon when I went to BP last night.


• Since I last actively blogged...We've lost notables like George Carlin, Bernie Mac, Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Anna Nicole Smith, Kurt Vonnegut, Heath Ledger, Charlton Heston, Tim Russert, and so many, many more.


• Since I last actively blogged...I had just joined LA Fitness and despite an enthusiastic start, I stumbled and went weeks at a time only driving through it's parking lot on my way to Publix or Chick 'N Grill. However, over the last 6 months I've recommitted and am pleased to report that though I'd gained a significant amount of weight back (No, I will NOT tell you how much) I've managed to get rid of most of it and am within 10lbs of my lowest weight. This is actually a good thing since my trainer is convinced I've converted fat into muscle which weighs more...yada yada yada. Point is I'm getting back on track physically and feeling great for it.

Actually, the hectic schedule of work and school has actually made it easier for me to work out and eat better. I actually lost 12lbs last semester. I think I do better within a structured routine and I hope that I will continue on the same path this semester. But it's all about baby steps. Below is a picture comparison of me on 12/31/06 and 12/31/08. Hopefully, the 12/31/09 installment will show significant progress.

Anyway, I hope to be back for good. Blogging is good for the soul. Thanks for the inspiration, Trudy!

I'M BAAA-AACK

It's been more than 6 months since I was last fully committed to NS. I started the program in January, 2006 and had a great start. I lost about 60 pounds in 7 months and looked and felt better than I EVER have. However, amid all the accolades and compliments, new clothes and celebratory drinks, I became complacent and while I've managed to maintain my weight within 10 lbs of my lowest point, I've lost muscle, become flabbier and feel about as out of shape as I did when I started - 62lbs ago. Not good.

There's an LA Fitness that's literally across the street from where I live, but because I've been overweight--actually OBESE--my ENTIRE life I've always felt intimidated by gyms...I mean, when you look like me, who wants to walk into a Bally's commercial with all the hardbodies dressed in skimpy spandex?! This thought has kept me away from the gym like it's toxic. I've realized that what was toxic was my own thinking: I poisoned my own mind which resulted in me staying unfit, unhealthy and unhappy!!

Therefore, I've decided to start cleansing my mind, body and spirit. I need to recapture the enthusiasm and discipline with which I began this program and use that momentum to propel me to my goal. Two weeks ago I joined LA Fitness and also signed up for a personal trainer, two times a month. I 've done as much as I could do on my own with NS; I have to step up the exercise and work on strengthening and toning my body. My ultimate goal is not just a number on the scale--it's a healthy mindset and lifestyle. For a while now I've been slacking on the things that helped me achieve my initial success: logging onto the NS website daily, reading the Daily Doses, chatting with other members about their journeys, blogging about my own journey. I'm going back to what works. If I work the program, the weight will come off. Wish me luck!

HALFWAY THERE!!

I started Nutrisystem last January with a goal of losing 142.5lbs which would have me weighing 180. It was a HUGE-MONGOUS, insurmountable mountain that I thought I could never climb. Well, as of today I've reached the top of my mountain! I weighed 251 this morning for a total of 71.5lbs lost -- I'M HALF WAY THERE!! I'm standing at the top and it's all downhill from here...but in a good way. By no means am I implying that it's going to be easy going from here on out -- on the contrary, it presents many new challenges. Yes, I've changed enough to where I understand the need for and don't dread working out regularly. I'm able to go out to restaurants and family celebrations and still watch my eating (not perfectly, but definitely in control). However, since everyone's been soo supportive and encouraging and full of compliments about my success up to this point, it's hard not to get complacent. I'm the smallest I've ever been as an adult and I weigh only 14lbs more than I did when I was 11 years old and weighed in for fat camp. I have to keep going, I have to keep finding new workouts, not get lazy; my worst temptation now is not food, but contentment. Yes, I now wear a size 18 shirt and 20 pants. Yes, I can go pretty much anywhere and not worry that I won't be able to fit in the seats. If I got on a plane, I might not even have to ask for a seatbelt extender...but there is still soooo much work to do. It's taken me 16 months to lose half of what I need to. Obviously, to be ultimately successful I must commit for the long haul...like, forever, dude! No matter what, I'm not going backwards! I going down the mountain and I'm going to reach goal.

My Sister's A Lawyer!!

Congratulations to my sister, Marilyn, for accomplishing such a wonderful goal. She just graduated from Florida A&M University Law School. We're all very proud. And I just love my new blue dress bought especially for the occasion (it's an 18/20!!!) For more pictures click here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8024787@N05/sets/72157600159004934/show/

Beanie Inspiration

My "Grateful for NS" Bears!! Pounds 10-70!

Sixteen Months In

Sometimes I get discouraged thinking "Why can't I lose it all now?" or "Damn, I still have more to lose than I've already lost" or "What's the point, I'm always going to be fat". I've learned that when I'm feeling defeatist I have to remind myself of all those cliches we all hate soo much cause they're true: "Rome wasn't built in a day", "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", "Nothing worth achieving is easy", "Slow and steady wins the race". All true --Plus, a couple of progress pics never hurt. Week 2 versus today. Just call me the Incredible Shrinking Woman! Thank you soooo much, Leigh. I'm going to get you some pom-poms cause you've been a wonderful cheerleader!

Thanks, Leigh!

One of my NS Buddies, Leigh, with whom I've been chatting, commiserating, blogging and working NutriSystem with since early on in my journey, sent me this picture today. I LOVE the support NS provides. I've made friends with virtual strangers who, whether they 'know' me or not, understand me better than a lot of people who've known me for years. Maybe not every detail or nuance of my life history, but they understand the 'core' of me because my weight has affected, even determined, so many aspects of my life and shaped so many experiences that only those who've been through similar experiences can appreciate. We don't judge each other, berate or belittle each other; we lift each other up when we need help, praise each other for success and encourage each other to continue the path toward a healthy, active and ultimately satisfying lifestyle. I'd like to actually take a current picture wearing the same gear I was wearing in the first photo (in which I weighed 313.5 -- it was day 11 on NS) so I can really see the change. Notice how everything's smaller...except my smile!!!! THANKS, LEIGH!!!

Making a Difference in Me

"I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to matter: to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all." – Leo Rosten

What matters to me most right now is getting my body and mind in sync so as to be stronger and healthier physically and spiritually. Yesterday I got made it to the end of the TaeBo workout for the second time. I've been doing it for about a week and though I'm still sore, I can now move without whimpering. Billy Blanks' workout is incredibly intense and and though he looks very scary, he's very encouraging. "You gotta give some to get some" is basically his motto. He challenges me to focus on the workout and appreciate the doing (or even trying) things I never thought I could. And each time I do it, I'm able to complete one or two more reps of various exercises than I was the previous time. That's progress. Another NSV (non-scale victory) shows in my picture. Not the beautiful Titleville Gator Chompionship T-shirt, but rather the denim shorts: they are size 18!!!! 18, 18, 18!!!!! Oh, and the shirt is only an XL, rather than the XXL or XXXL (if I was lucky) that I usually have to buy. Oh, hallelujah!!!

I forgot how much support NS gives...maybe I thought that since I'd been on the program for over a year, I could handle it on my own. Well, obviously, I was mistaken. I was reading some comments on my guestbook on my NS profile page and I was nearly in tears. Virtual strangers extolling my virtues, commending my discipline, calling me an inspiration!! Me?! ... I think I needed some of that.

It's my TOM, which I'd like to believe sparked my emotional breakdown this weekend. Perhaps, I can chalk it all up to PMS and moodiness rather than being a lovesick puppy who is slow to heal. However, a friend sent me the following quote by François de La Rochefoucauld "The heart is forever making the head its fool," and I found it to be very true in my case. I KNOW intellectually what to do and how to handle moving on, but my heart keeps wanting to make excuses for his behavior: he's stressed, depressed, tired, over-worked, underpaid, in debt, whatever. But I have to stop focusing on him or what's wrong with me. It's all about what's right with me.

So, in addition to the TaeBo I've been adding extra protein to my diet: sliced turkey, boiled eggs, etc. I've also started using South Beach Diet high protein cereal bars -- the peanut butter one tastes great -- and some of their lunches. Their entrees are significantly higher in protein and since I don't think I'd been eating enough to offset the calories I was burning, I'm hoping this will help boost me into the 240s and soon. My next mini-challenge that will start Monday will be to reach 245 by May 8th, my birthday goal. I want to start getting into more size 18 clothing. Wish me luck!!

Marlins' Home Opener

Well, I've become a baseball fan (really a Marlins fan) over the last couple seasons. Here are pics of the home opener tradition my friends started last year. Unfortunately, there's one less of us than last year as Scott is now in Michigan, but he was with us in spirit...and on the phone. [See April 25, 2006 blog entitled Montage II for comparison pics!]

Keeping Hope Alive

"HOPE IS THE FEELING YOU HAVE

THAT THE FEELING YOU HAVE ISN'T PERMANENT." - Jean Kerr

I certainly hope that how I've been feeling lately is temporary... I'm not sure how much I can handle before I completely lose my sense of self. I know I make it sound much more dire than it is, but the fact is I'm still having a very tough emotional time as a result of my recent break-up. My friend Trudy has reminded me that a break-up is "the loss of a loved one" which requires grieving, a mourning period that lasts longer than a day or two or even a week or two. I thought I would (at least I wanted to) be able to move on with as much ease as Rich has. Danny has seen him around and says he seems fine: not so depressed or bad off that he can't go to work or hang out with his friends, though that's what he told me the problem was: that he's soo depressed he can't possibly explain to me the pain he's in; how his mom's cancer is spreading; how he's barely seen his daughter in the last month; how he's soo messed up that ANY relationship he tried to be in would be doomed; that he thanks me for helping him find a job, but that he really needed to focus on more important personal priorities right now; how he can't be a boyfriend to me..."maybe friends"; how if I really loved him like I said, I'd go to WebMD and look up the symptoms of depression instead of making everything about me when I take his actions personally (all of which he tells me by text message)--HOW COULD I NOT TAKE THEM PERSONALLY??!?!? He told me he loved me, that he thought I was special and wanted to make a life with me, that he wanted his daughter to get to know me and start getting used to me because I was part of his life. He told me he wanted to have children with me, said he thought I'd be a great mother (and I as I rapidly approach the ripe old maid age of 32, you may see how important that is/was to me). He told me he wanted to be in a position to help me so that I could go to law school; he felt that I'm smart enough and wanted to help me so we could make a future we both wanted. I've known this guy for nearly 15 years; he was my 'first'; it took him 13 years to tell me he loved me and then he takes it all away six months later. How can he go on about his life like nothing happened when there are times I can barely find the energy to get out of bed, dress myself and go to work? Why am I not angrier instead of being soo fucking hurt? And when I do feel angry it's at myself rather than him: I'm upset that I let him dupe me...when he first told me how he felt, I resisted; so much so that he said he felt I didn't love him enough. Then I committed, and apparently, that was my downfall. I gave him everything; denied him nothing, and he walked away without a glance back. And here I am alone and grieving...

...but I'm still here. Which brings me back to HOPE. I do believe what I feel right now is temporary (Please, GOD, let it be temporary!). I want to remember that just because he's not with me doesn't mean I'm alone. I have tried to listen to my friends' advice not to spend time and energy trying to figure out what I did wrong. Maybe we were just wrong for each other. I just thought that after all the time we've known each other and what we supposedly meant to each other, I deserved better than to be dumped by way of a text message (That ranks right up there with Phil Collins divorcing his wife by fax!) I KNOW the romantic relationship is over, but I did think we were friends. I don't sleep with, go on trips with or let mere acquaintances live with me. The point is that I can't expect my hurt feelings to just go away. Obviously, the relationship meant a lot more to me than it did to him. What I'm trying to do now is pay attention to his text that said it was time to focus on more personal priorities: for me, my weight and doing well enough at work so that one day I can go to law school. Makes me sad because he was soo encouraging of my weight loss, he was even the catalyst that helped me to get back on track 3 months ago so that I lost 23.5lbs since January 23. I want to try new things that will help me focus on ME...not what's wrong with me, but what's right. Right now my new thing is to utilize the muscle confusion principle. Basically, I feel my body has adjusted to my cardio workouts (Gazelle and walking) and though I sweat and feel great afterward, I needed a boost. So, I purchased a TaeBo DVD...the shortest one I could find which is about 36 minutes. I've done it 4 times and I still haven't seen how it ends. Let me tell you, I sweat as much after 15 minutes of TaeBo than 40 minutes on the Gazelle or even a 4-mile walk! And for Easter weekend I was sooo friggin' SORE!! I mean, sitting down, getting in and out of my car...OOOWWWW!!! Now, I can move without whimpering, but barely. But it's an AMAZING workout and Billy Blanks really pumps you up. Hopefully, I'll be tackling this workout for a while and see what difference it makes after 3 or 4 months. I also bought a balance ball, which is soo fun. Back in the day I would have NEVER tried to get on what amounts to a big balloon, but to my surprise it has a weight capacity of 300lbs..and I'm not that close to 300 anymore, am I?! :-) It's a great stretch and muscle strengthener and it improves my balance and body control, but it's mostly just fun rolling around on it. LOL.

So, now, like the Reverend Jesse Jackson, my motto is "keep hope alive." I KNOW I'm going to get past this, it's just a matter of when. Soon, I hope. Even writing this blog post was an important step because I've been soo down I haven't even felt like writing, talking on the phone or doing anything social other than drinking. Not good for the diet or me. But, one step at a time.