Progess: Slow But Sure

I had to do something to remind myself that although I've hit a plateau, I have made significant progress. Leigh, Linda, Kathryn, Paul, Jamie and Tressa (and EVERYONE I know I forgot): you guys have been like my own little cheerleading squad (Paul, it'd be interesting to see your skinny self in a cheerleading outfit with pom-poms! LOL!).

I only uploaded my most recent pictures (taken July 5th, weight 269); the discs with my other 'before' pics are buried in the mess that will soon be "the room I occupied when I lived with my mother." But you can look at my first blog post (January 27th, I think) and compare. What I first noticed is that not only are my clothes looser and my body smaller, but my smile seems bigger! And they (whoever 'they' are) say the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to improve your appearance is to smile. So, I'm smiling.

BTW: I look a LOT DARKER, too, don't I? I guess all those walks outside with Mosley fostered a tan I really didn't need.

Labor of Love

Well, here it is: my labor of love. My new baby, my condo. These are a few "before" pics. However, they were taken after we tore up the 35-yr-old carpet and took down the 1972 green drapes. The mural on the wall of the dining room is actually not a bad piece of art. It was probably very fashionable in the 70s, along with lime green shag carpet, lava lamps and the BeeGees. The view is from my bedroom window that faces north. The balcony was enclosed and is now a "den". The view is pretty much the same as in my bedroom, just a little further west. I've pretty much settled on a tile that looks like wooden flooring--to go with the blue I chose for the bedroom and sort of rose color I'm leaning toward for the living/dining area. Pulling up the carpet and linoleum as well as all the wood it was nailed to was no joke. Then I had to buy a belt sander to start sanding that damn mural off the wall because they textured it by using plaster! PLASTER!!! I used the sander for about 30 minutes yesterday and I sweat about 3 gallons! I don't know what I would do without Danny, my best friend, who has done sooooooo much work already. I think I'd like a celery green or peridot for the kitchen, and some neutral color for the master and half bathrooms. I'm telling you, I'm soo sore from all the work that I don't even feel bad I've missed my workouts this week. In fact, I'm looking forward to taking tonight off from the condo and taking a 2-3 mile walk with my neglected dog.
As you can see, the place needs A LOT of work, so if you haven't heard from me in a while, don't panic. I'll touch base soon and will post 'after' pics as well. Funny how the whole theme of this blog is transformation--first my body, now my condo! LOL.

Slow and Steady Wins The Race

We've ALL heard the fable of the tortoise and the hare in one form or another (and if you haven't, I don't even want to think about where you've been--not even the Bugs Bunny episode?!) Anyway, though I've been preoccupied with working on my condo, my plateau looms large on my mind. I'm happy not to be gaining weight; okay, okay, I confess. I peeked at the scale Sunday afternoon and again this morning, 275 and 273.5, respectively. I continue to hover 6-8lbs heavier than my lowest weight at the end of June. At first, I relaxed on the food for a little bit--but only a little bit. For example, I'd have a non-NS dinner 3 times in a week instead of only once. Then I went back on plan 100% and still no loss. It's discouraging to say the least. I mean, I should be happy I didn't stay in the 279-280 range that I hit right after my last TOM (which reminds me of what's rapidly approaching...sigh).

The point is that I have to remember this is part of the journey...my body is still changing and adjusting to my new lifestyle. My daily inspiration quote today has fortified my resolve and I wanted to share it with you:

"Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more."– Louis L'Amour

Also, many, many thanks to all of you who have helped keep my head up during this plateau. It makes me happy to know you are all still rooting for me and are not disappointed in me when it's hard not to be disappointed in myself. XOXOXOXO

Carpet-Robics

NOW, I know the reason I started NS! God was preparing me for the purchase of a condo that needed work. Yesterday, Danny and I proceeded to tear up, like, 700 sq/ft of carpet. Had I been 322.5lbs like I was in January, I might have had a heart attack last night and today's Herald headline would have read, "New Condo Owner Collapses!" or something like that. The carpet part isn't soo bad; it's actually kind of fun hearing the great ripping sound the carpet makes. The hard part was squatting to use the crow bar to pry up the wood along the walls with all the nails sticking out. My back and arms are killing me; not to mention I have blisters on my hands. Boohoo. (Not really; it's too exciting being a condo-owner! LOL)

I'm still in my hiatus from the scale--but only as to weigh-ins. I'm back on plan food-wise and water-wise, but my workouts have been tough to get in given all the work with the condo and stuff. The majority of my workouts for the next couple of weeks will be in the form of manual labor (and I can't believe I'm actually missing my walks with Mosley and my time on the Gazelle). I'm hoping to be able to move in sometime in the next 3 weeks. We'll see. Wish me luck.

Cass' Condo

Yes, I can actually say "my condo" because as of about 5:45pm on Friday, July 28, 2006, I became a condo owner!!! YIPPEEEE!!! And now, Monday morning, I am absolutely and utterly EXHAUSTED. I mean, I got tired just shopping at Home Depot and I haven't even done any work yet! LOL. But I have a feeling this is the kind of work I won't mind so much. :-) But there is soooo much to do: cleaning, pulling up carpet, sanding and priming walls, painting, laying down tile (I'm leaving that to a pro), and then the actual moving in of furniture (any volunteers to help??). My workouts for the next month will be mostly in the form of manual labor, but, hey, so long as I'm burning calories, I could care less. SIGH...but this is a great thing...this has been a great year soo far. Now, if only I could hit 60lbs lost sometime soon...that's the next goal.

Playing Catch Up

Geez...how time flies! I can't believe it's been nearly three weeks since my last post, but my life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately, so I'm stopping to catch my breath and catch up with you all.
Okay, first things first, July challenge status: you may have noticed that my weight trackers have not changed. I haven't been able to lose any weight at all since making my July 4th goal to reach 267.5. [I REFUSE to update my weight trackers to go backwards.] Shortly after that I gained the typical 6-10lbs during my TOM. However, since that "period" ended on the 12th, the scale has remained virtually the same. I mean, I've been hovering between 274 and 279 for almost two weeks now! My workouts remain at 60-90 minutes of cardio (walk-aerobics, walking my dog, and the Gazelle) 4-5 times a week. Honestly, I can't commit to doing any more than that. I've been drinking nearly a gallon of water a day and following the food program. So, I'm guessing (hoping) it's the dreaded "P" word...P-L-A-T-E-A-U!! And it SUCKS!!! For the past 6 months I have developed a trend where if (1) I work out, (2) I follow the food program and (3) I drink my water, then (4) I lose weight. Simple as that. Now, it's EXTREMELY discouraging to work my ass off and see absolute NO result on the scale, or even see a negative one (weight gain). It's been so mentally taxing that I've decided that after today, I will try and go 2 weeks without weighing-in. I'm a bit of a scale junkie, so I know it'll be tough, but it's tougher to keep on track when the scale isn't moving like I want it to.
Okay, now for the good news: I'm buying a condo!!! A couple of weeks ago, my newly licensed realtor friend RJ took me to go see some condos. After viewing a couple of duds from the outside, I was kind of discouraged about the prospect of finding something decent, in a safe neighborhood in my price range. Well, the first condo we actually walked into I fell in love with. The balcony and bedroom view was of this beautiful lake and was soo incredibly soothing, that I knew I was 'home'. The kitchen had just been renovated with marble floors, granite countertops and maple cabinets. The majority of the buildings in the area are or were at one time housing for older people, so the neighborhood and street are quiet and well-kept. Well, after putting an offer and waiting on pins and needles for a week, the seller decided not to move. Apparently, the deal she made on a place in North Carolina fell through and she took the my condo off the market. Can you say disappointed???!!! Well, the following weekend we went condo hunting again and after a bit of a Situation Normal All Fucked Up (snafu), I found another condo on the same street. This one is on the other side of the street and so doesn’t have a lakefront view. This view is of the well-maintained common and pool area and of the Presidential Estates golf course. The ‘cheapest’ home on the other side of the golf course goes for $1.2 million. This particular condo needs more work than the first would have, but I’m getting it for $7K less than the other and it has already appraised for $7K more than the purchase price. And I’m actually very excited about the idea of creating the exact space I want. It’s been fun looking at paint colors and flooring options.
And everything happens for a reason. There is a positive energy/karma about the whole transaction. The current owner is an 87yr old man who’s going into a nursing home. "Jack" has lived in the condo for 35 years (Picture this: Jack looks like Mr. Burns’ grandfather with Mr. Magoo glasses and he’s so hard of hearing, you have to practically scream at him)!! The other day when my mother, my sister, Danny and I attended the inspection, Jack made a point to tell me that he’d lived very happily in the condo for many years, experiencing both lots of laughter and many tears. He said he hoped I would be as happy living there as he had been. At that moment, I felt as though he’d sort of bestowed the condo to me. It felt right. It feels right.
So, my July Challenge now has another significance: July 31st is my tentative closing date...a week from today!!! My loan has been approved and I’m simply waiting to be screened by the condo association and the opportunity to review the condo docs. In the words of the Pointer Sisters, "I’m soo excited."
UPDATES: CONGRATS MOMMY! She’s lost a total of 26.5lbs!!! CONGRATS LIL SIS, MARILYN: Friday she closed on her first property, a 2/2 condo in Orlando!! CONGRATS LIL SIS, ASHLEY: She started her very first job: Old Navy Outlet!! Can you say DISCOUNTS?!?!

July Challenge

Hope you all had a wonderful Fourth of July holiday! I made it through without too much damage. Hoorah! Today starts my challenge to reach 260 by July 31st. Today's weight is 269, which is 1.5lbs higher than my lowest point; my TOM is quickly approaching but the weight gain has already begun! :-(
Wish me luck!

Another One Bites The Dust!!

Not to pat myself on the back or anything (but, of course I'm going to anyway), but I have reached my July 4th goal 5 days early!!! I am kicking some serious fat booty! Today I weighed in at 267.5. I got on the scale and looked down...and FREAKED. I got off. I got back on and looked down...and freaked AGAIN. I got off. I got back on and looked down and it said 266.5!!!!! I told myself not to get greedy and look a gift horse in the mouth, so I'm sticking with 267.5. I'm just so psyched to have broken into the '60s. After my little diet-breakdown a couple of weeks ago, this victory was a much-needed boost. It means I was able to survive and get back on track with minimal damage to and delay of my ultimate goal.

Next goal is to reach 265.5 by July 8th, which is Day 180 on NS. I know two pounds in 8 days seems a given, but my TOM is on its way. Oh, well. Nevertheless, today is a great day. Hope you all are well!

"When a goal matters enough to a person, that person will find a way to accomplish what at first seemed impossible" - Nido Qubein
(I 'stole' this quote from Tressa's blog--thanks, Tressa!!)

Good Times II

I'm soo excited! Last night I went to the Hard Rock Seminole Casino and won $285 in less than 10 minutes!!! These pics were taken before I left for my night out. The black shirt was one I found in my laundry minutes before I got dressed. It's not my shirt, it's my sister's and IT FITS!!! Like, it even buttoned all the way down without threat of popping when I sat down. Obviously, now it's my new favorite lucky shirt!!

Good Times

My co-worker Maria and I at the parade celebrating the Miami Heat NBA Championship Title! The bottom photo is of my friend Kenny and me at Monty's.

In A Nutshell...

"The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it."

John Ruskin

I must keep in mind that my weight loss journey is not about the guys who may start to pay attention to me once I hit goal, or the clothes I'll be able to wear, or the chairs I'll be able to sit in. It's about the Cassandre who for the first time in her life set a goal (albeit at times a seemingly unattainable one) and reached it; the Cassandre who no longer has "no willpower," the Cassandre who dug deep and found inner strength, discipline and motivation to overcome obstacles; the Cassandre who has started to talk about herself in the third-person...LOL

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!!

THE MIAMI HEAT ARE THE NBA CHAMPIONS!!!!!!!!!

I'M SOOO EXCITED EVEN IF I GAINED A POUND OR TWO DURING THE CELEBRATION. :-)

Mommy Update

My mother has finally broken the 20lb mark and has lost a total of 22lbs!!!!! Success breeds success. I can't wait 'til we go shopping for our New Year's outfits. We'll be smokin' HOT!!

Why Do We Make It So Hard?

"In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest."

Henry Miller

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been seduced by the promise of the "quick fix." I've tried many fad diets and even tried Phen-Fen, damaging my heart in the process. Each time I dropped 10-30lbs, I eventually gained 30-60+ back. I resisted the idea that "diet and exercise" would cure me. I mean, really. How many times did I have to hear it: every truly successful diet guru, health nut, doctor, etc. The message has always been the same: eat a low fat diet and exercise regularly. But, noooooo. It certainly couldn't be as easy as all that. Surely, I'd rather eat 14 grapefruits a day; or eat chicken & fish Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, then vegetables & fruits on the other days. How 'bout I starve myself for a week? A head of lettuce and a Snicker's bar daily? Or wait, it might be easier to try and throw up those last 3 tacos, 20 Oreos and pint of ice cream that I consumed in 60 minutes flat. No, no, no. Even better, why don't I just lay myself on a gurney and let them cut into me, shrink/staple/deform my stomach and intestines so that I have to take 42 vitamins an hour, drink 14 gallons of water and pray that when I'm 50 all the side effects we don't know about yet don't start to kick in. Why not drink a gallon of some foul-tasting pseudo-cherry-flavored concoction that celebrities use to "flush" the weight away? Here's one? How 'bout I travel to a foreign country and try to 'catch' a tape worm that could just eat my fat from the inside out!! Or I could just go get a colon-cleansing, because surely ALL this fat is just a pile of shit waiting to be pushed out. Getting stranded on a boat for a month with nothing but water to drink and raw fish to eat? (Hey, it worked for Tom Hanks in Castaway!) But eat a low fat diet and exercise? Are you kidding me?? That's just waaaay too hard!

Are those of us who struggle with weight issues really that dumb? I mean, no offense, but has NutriSystem really taught us anything we didn't already know? Did we not know about a balanced diet including fruits and vegetables, protein and good carbs? Did we not know about the benefits of drinking 8 eight-ounce glasses of water a day? Did we never hear that we should exercise for 30 minutes 3-4 a week? Was it news to learn that we must eat breakfast? About the importance of portion-control? About eating several times a day in order to keep our metabolism going? Frankly, if any of it was news to any of you, you've been living under a rock for, like, your entire life.

But, in effect, we were. Once the weight problem took hold, no matter how long ago it did or why, we became ostriches. We buried our heads in the sand. We justified our condition and gave ourselves a pass:

It's okay that I'm like this, I've had 3 kids;

It's okay that I'm fat, I'm big-boned;

It's okay that I'm fat, everyone in my family is too;

It's okay that I'm fat, God made us all in different shapes and sizes;

It's okay that I'm obese, I've always been this way;

It's okay that I'm fat, everyone loves me anyway and I'm happy with who I am;

It's okay that I'm killing myself, because I don't care anymore.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Not reasons, excuses. Lies, might even be a better word.

Because, IT'S NOT OKAY!!!! I'm tired of telling myself I can do no better, of limiting myself, of giving up. I am not yet dead. Life is a journey, it is about progress and moving forward. How fulfilling is my life if at the tender age of 31 if I am content to just give up?! My weight issues have negatively affected my psyche, the development of my self-esteem (or lack thereof), my perspective on our society, my ENTIRE life. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't been fat growing up. Would the kids have picked me to play? Would I have focused more on my studies, instead of trying to make friends so I wouldn't be ostracized as the "fat nerd"? Would I have gotten kissed at my Sweet Sixteen party? Would I have been asked to the prom? Would I have been homecoming queen? Would I have gotten the lead in the school play? Would I be the married mother of two, owner of the 4/3 home with the white picket fence and a dog? Would I be happy?

Who knows? What I do know is that I cannot change my past; I can only focus on my future, and I have the power to make it a happy one. I still have about 90+lbs to lose, but my outlook on life and my self is soo much better than when I started. Maybe that's what NutriSystem has given me: the tools to look at myself objectively and accept that I have the power within myself to do what I want and be who I want.

All of that to get to this: low fat diet + regular exercise = weight loss success.

"In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest." --Henry Miller

ONE MORE WIN!!

GOOOOOOOOOOOO HEAT!!!!

***

HEAT IS WHITE HOT!!!

My New Favorite Number!!

Drumroll, please.....

I AM DOWN 51 (and a half) POUNDS IN 23 WEEKS!!!

Derailed!!

Yes, I'm still alive...I know, I know. It's been a while.

I had a bad week -- a really bad week. The 8 days (from June 5th until June 12) were TERRIBLE. It started with my TOM, which brought on some horrible cramps (as usual), but then the tension in my lower back just started getting worse and worse until I could hardly sit up or stand up straight. So, needless to say my workouts were non-existent. And since I was on my period, I felt the urge to eat EVERYTHING. I don't think one NS meal touched my lips during those eight days. I ate Taco Bell, Papa John's pizza, chinese food, lots of sushi, lots of cashews, lots of home-cooked Haitian food, lots of ice cream, etc. I felt like such a COW!! And the worst part, during the whole thing I kept cringing just watching all my old habits creep (heck, they FLEW) back into my life--it was sooo easy not to work out, not to drink my water, not to watch my portions, and not to weigh myself every morning. See how even after 5 months of discipline and success I could watch it all go up in smoke in a matter of 8 days...one really lousy week??!!?! Very, very scary.

Around the same time I started having some personal issues that have deeply affected me -- dysfunctional family and relationship issues (either one alone is bad enough). I felt soo low that I thought to myself, "What difference does it make how much weight I lose? I'm still going to be single, unhappy and unlovable." And what did those thoughts make me do? EAT MORE SHIT!!

Tuesday I told myself I'd had ENOUGH!! I was not about to let my issues over some guy, or my dysfunctional family derail everything I've worked so hard to achieve over these last 150+days. That's more than 1/3 of the year!! Screw him if he doesn't want me now! When I get to where I want to be, he's going to be sorry he passed me up!!!

So, I know you're all just dying to know what happened when I faced the scale for the first time in 8 days. Well, I gained 12 MOTHER-F*%$ING pounds!!! Now, I tried not to freak out too much 'cause it's been normal for me to gain anywhere from 6-10 lbs during my monthly, but 12?!?!?! That put me back at 285, and I was so hoping to stay out of the 280s for good. But those are the consequences of "letting myself go," and now I have to take care of the issue before the 12 turns to 21 or more. So, Tuesday I aimed for a 100% day: drank all my water, stayed on NS food, walked 2 miles with my dog and did 20 minutes on the Gazelle. Wednesday morning weight? 280. Good. This morning's weight? 276.5. Better. Maybe I'll even be able to get back on track for my July 4th goal. I won't hold my breath cause that's another 9 pounds over the next 3 weeks, but we'll see. Until yesterday, I didn't really understand how much the working out helps me deal with stress and helps me relax. I need a punching bag on which I can take out my aggression in an active manner--maybe I should try Taebo.

Now, for what's really important: tonight is Game 4 of the NBA Finals and the Miami Heat are down a game. They HAVE to win tonight!!! And I'm taking my lessons from that Dwyane Wade Converse commercial (or that old Japanese proverb) that reminds me that it's okay to fall 7 times so long as I get up 8.

GO HEAT!!!!

My Own Worst Enemy...

"IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE THAT HOLDS YOU BACK, IT'S WHO YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT!!"

4 MORE WINS!!

MIAMI HEAT

2006 NBA EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS!!!

THE HEAT IS WHITE HOT!!!!

Anything Helps...

The Plan to Be Lookin' Fly in July!

June 1. The first day of the month and the first day of my journey toward my current mini goal. Target? 267.5lbs by July 4th (Day 176 on NS). That's 7.5lbs for the month (actually, 33 days). I've got to take into account that now that my body's getting used to the increased activity and decreased calories, my rate of loss is slowing down. I don't want to be over zealous and set unattainable targets. These goals are meant to focus me; not to daunt me or set me up for failure. I just want this FRIGGIN' FAT gone already!!!!!
"A watched belly never shrinks" my ass!! LOL! ;-)

A Watched Belly Never Shrinks :-(

"A watched belly never shrinks," said my wisecracker friend Scott. (Grrr. I should've smacked him.) But, I guess the sentiment is appropriate today as I report that NO, I did not meet my Memorial Day goal to reach 272.5lbs. I'm stuck, I think; I still haven't been able to lose that half-of-a-f*%&ing-pound!!!! Patience has never been a virtue of mine (not that I've ever considered myself particularly virtuous, despite 13 years of Catholic schooling). I realize there are many things to focus on, rather than the number on the scale--NSVs and all that. But this is the first mini-goal I've set that I didn't meet, and it's weird because I feel as though this is the one I've worked the hardest toward. Odd.

So, my assignment for myself today is to exercise my power of positive thinking. To ponder what I have accomplished rather than what I haven't. I have lost 49.5 lbs. For all intents and purposes, I've lost fifty friggin' pounds, and that ain't nuthin' to sneeze at!!

"I Found [Me], Miss Nu Booty"

We all have that little something that drives us to continue on our weight loss journeys, but unlike many NSers, I don't have a heyday I'm trying to get back to. I wasn't cute and active in high school, counting on sports and a fast, youthful metabolism to keep me trim. I didn't marry my high school sweetheart, settle down and pack on love and pregnancy pounds. I didn't experience a tragic event during which I "lost myself" and found consolation in food and lethargy. I'm not going to some family/school reunion soon, not trying to fit into a wedding dress or a new bikini for the summer, and I'm certainly well past the "baby fat" stage. I have been big, fat, obese, chunky, big-boned, or whatever euphemism you want to use, my ENTIRE life!! OK, I admit I was born at 5lbs, 6oz; but I was overweight as early as 2 years old.

In a nutshell?
-- I was put on my first diet at age 5 when I weighed 78lbs.
-- The month after my 11th birthday my mom and I spent 7 weeks at a Weight Watchers camp; I weighed in at 237 lbs. I weighed a good 20 lbs more than my mother (who, obviously, was there cause she was overweight too).
-- When I was measured for my 8th grade graduation gown (age 12), I weighed 330lbs. (I can still remember the look on my teacher's face--Mrs. O'Sullivan, my grammar guru--who was absolutely mortified to learn one of her students weighed 3 times as much as she did!)
-- I spent nearly 10 years only knowing that I weighed "350+ lbs" cause the scale at the doctor's office (or anywhere else I went), didn't go past 350.
-- When I graduated college in December, 2001, I weighed 409lbs.
-- The summer of 2002 (age 27) I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and, hooray, I dropped more than a hundred pounds! I reached 286lbs. I felt positively svelte!!
-- The summer of 2003 (age 28) I developed a very large blood clot in my left leg, spent 8 days in the hospital, almost 2 months in bed and in a wheelchair, and eventually my weight creeped back up to nearly 330lbs.
-- Until recently, I don't remember EVER weighing less than any member of my family.

Earlier this month, one of my bosses gave me a gift certificate to Macy's for my birthday, with the suggestion/instruction that I get some "clothes that fit." I'd told myself I wouldn't buy any new clothes until everything I or my mother owned were just falling off me. But, hey, she's my boss, so I listened and went to Macy's with my mom. Now, even though I knew that had a Women's department in terms of plus sizes (my mom shops there), I always felt the clothes were "too old" for me and waaay out of my budget. Boy, was I wrong!! I came away with 2 pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans (and I don't care that black people aren't supposed to buy Tommy stuff--I'm ECSTATIC that I have anything other than perfume or a headband by Tommy that I can wear!), and two "summery" blouses. The jeans were on sale. I paid $10.25 for these button-down size 24W (they fit perfectly...at the time); and $8.25 for the size 22--I bought those as incentive. Well, the 24s are now nearly too big and though I wouldn't wear them yet, I can sit and still breathe in the 22s (they're cut smaller than the other 22s I have). I also had to buy new underwear (panties that are too big bunch up when you walk--not comfy; like a wedgie times 10!). And not only did I lose inches in my bust, I lost an entire cup size in my bra! I am NOT happy about that!! Oh, well. ;-)

I know I have soooo far to go on this thing--still over 90lbs to lose--but I feel sooo GREAT about myself and my body. I've started a cocoa butter regimen: cocoa butter soap, after shower body oil and firming butter. The vitamin E is supposed to help reduce the appearance of stretch marks and preserve my skin's elasticity. Because I take blood thinners, I don't intend on having any kind of surgery, so I gotta work on it naturally. I've already developed "poochy"-looking skin in my belly area. Oh, and I've LOST A ROLL!!! My belly had 3 distinct rolls and now the bottom two are merged. It sounds gross, but it makes me sooooo happy. I'm moving from a keg belly, to a two 2-liter belly, to a 2-liter belly and eventually to six-pack abs!!! LOL. It can sooo be done! Did anyone see this week's People magazine with the winners of their summer weight loss contest? Well, plan on getting next year's issue because I intend to be in it!!

Anyway, that's all for now; guess I had to make up for nearly 3 weeks of silence. This Sunday will end 20 weeks on NS. I wish I could lose another 3lbs by then; if I do, I'll have lost 50 lbs in 20 weeks. But because I'm feeling so good, I'm not going to focus on the time it takes me to reach my goals, just on reaching them period. In this picture I'm wearing one of my new blouses and a pair of 22W jeans that have the cutest silver details on the back pockets. This is the "smallest" I've been for as long as I can remember. From here on out, it's all about finding the REAL Cassandre! Just call me Miss NuBooty!! :-)

We Are Family!

Just wanted to share a couple of pics of my beautiful family. The ones outside were taken on Mother's Day at Monty's. From left to right: my mom (down 19lbs), my sister/goddaughter Ashley (the only one of us without a weight problem), and my sister Marilyn (she's going to be a lawyer next year!!). The other is of me and my brother Patrick at one of the Heat games. I promise you I have posed for more pictures in the last 3 months than I have in the last 3 years!!! I guess I'm no longer hiding from the camera. It's a nice feeling.

I'm Still Here!

I know it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I've been soo busy going to Miami Heat games, watching the Florida Marlins lose (but we're on an upswing--we just swept the Cubs!) and, of course, working out! Anyway, just a quick post about NSVs. The pictures above were both taken at Heat games (with my friend Rich): the top one on 5/2/06 and the 2nd on 5/16/06--exactly 2 weeks apart. OK, now is it just me, or can you totally see a difference in my face?! (even if you can't, I can and that's all that matters!!! ;-)

More posts coming soon...

Mayday, Mayday! But, I'm OK!

So, yesterday was my 31st birthday, and I celebrated by spending nearly the entire day in bed...sleeping. But that's only 'cause I was absolutely and utterly exhausted!!! You see, I'd been celebrating since Friday. I mean, how convenient was it to start off my birthday weekend with Cinco de Mayo?!

So, Friday night after work I went to Monty's for Happy Hour. What a mad house! All the 'kids' out of school and out to celebrate a national drinking holiday (I say kids 'cause they all looked so young, but they were obviously at least 21). I had a great time with the help of a couple of Bacardi and diet cokes. I was in an especially light-hearted mood because of a pair of hot pink pants. [That morning as I got ready for work, I realized I had absolutely NOTHING to wear--all my work pants are too big. So, in a panic, I went rummaging through my mom's closet for something to wear, when this bright glare from the right side of the closet nearly blinded me. I pulled out a pair of brand new (tags attached), hot pink, Size 22W pants. As the clock neared 8:00 (the time that I should leave my house if I hope to have any chance of getting to work and Starbucks before 9AM), I pulled on those bright-ass pants...up over the hips they slid (easily), zipped up and snapped shut, with breathing room to spare--my first size 22 anything since I was in my pre-teens!!! My lowest weight in high school had me wearing (squeezing into) 22/24s and that was when I was a senior.]

OK, so back to the festivities: I left Monty's fairly early. My plan was to drink and party at home for the rest of the evening 'cause I don't like to be driving on the road with crazy drunk people and I like, even less, being one of those crazy drunk people driving on the road. A couple of friends came over and we jammed. It was cool. Later that night I binged on Dunkin' Donuts...I had a coffee coolata and 3 cookies. {sigh}

Saturday morning I recuperated, got up and started prepping to party that night. Danny agreed to make me a special birthday dinner and I'd decided on grilled salmon and pasta. One of my "gifts" to myself was to go off the wagon until Tuesday--no Nutrisystem anything--no yogurt, no cucumbers, no apples, no plain tuna/chicken out of a can, no green peppers, no oatmeal, no NS meals PERIOD!!! Honestly, I was sooo sick of the same thing every day that I had to give myself a reprieve. Dinner was great!!! I chowed down on a wedge of brie with French bread for appetizer, had angelhair pasta with asparagus, seared salmon and fresh garlic bread. I was in heaven. Later that night I binged on a KitKat and 4 Chips Ahoy cookies. {sigh}

Sunday morning I rolled over around noon and got a call to meet some friends at the 1:00PM Marlins game against the St. Louis Cardinals. My first and only meal of the day came around 5pm and was leftover pasta with salmon. That night friends came over and I drank...but by then I had finally ingested my fill of rum and diet coke. We heralded in my b-day at midnight, and that basically brings me back to my lazy Monday in bed.

I was more than ready to get "back on track" this morning, Day 120 on NS. In the back of my mind all weekend, I worried that my binge would negate all the hard work I've done over the past 4 months and that I should feel extremely guilty for all my food indiscretions. But I don't feel guilty. I felt like I had a handle on it all. I had 4 work-out free days, 3 NS-free days, and I AM OK. I walked at lunch today; I will workout later and again tomorrow and so on. NS has truly changed my life...and me.

Less Than 100lbs To Go!!

I almost don't know how to report my progress without feeling a little guilty! I'm just soo excited and pleased and giddy and incredulous, it's nauseating! LOL. To date, the end of Week 16 on NS, I have lost 44lbs!! That's a rate of 2.75lbs a week (I lost 13lbs this month alone)! I reached my birthday goal 8 days early! And what's better than that?! Officially, I now have less than 100 pounds to lose! When I started, 142.5 was the magic number--not what I wanted to weigh, but what I wanted to lose. I have a number of friends that weigh less than that. But now, as daunting as it seems, I only have 98.5lbs to go! I now believe I can do it...heck, I believe I can FLY!!

Virtual Reality

Meet my virtual model, MizCass. She's a trim 180 pounds (relatively speaking), and this is what I'm hoping my body will more or less look like by my birthday in 2007. I only have about 102 pounds to go and twelve months to get there! {sigh}

On the upside, though, as of today I am down a total of 40.5 pounds! When I got on the scale this morning I could hardly believe it. 107 days ago I never thought that I would be able to get through even the first box of food, let alone be ready to receive my 5th order! I'm proud that I was able to commit myself for nearly a third of a year to something--anything for that matter, cause I have a short attention span: I'm always very enthused about a myriad of ideas, but not so good about following through. So, in addition to the physical benefits of the weight loss, this is a personal victory in terms of self-discipline, setting and achieving goals and overcoming obstacles.

I now realize that I'm going to have to take the lessons I'm learning from this weight loss effort and apply them to other aspects of my life. For example, on NS I've had to learn not to "give-in" to junk food cravings or the urge not to exercise, no matter how I try and rationalize and/or justify them. I've had to learn to ignore and disassociate myself from those people and things that are a bar to my success. I've had to build confidence in myself so that I'm not too embarrassed to go out and walk (people are cruel--I've even been stopped and told "you know, you really should be running!"); eventually I want to add swimming to my workouts and I have to be comfortable enough to go to the pool in a bathing suit without worrying about being harpooned. I have to develop a new attitude while I'm developing my new body: I AM WORTHY! I deserve to be fit and healthy and look good.

Theoretically, it's not impossible for me to be at goal next year; I mean, if I keep losing at a rate of about 1.88 pounds a week I can do it. It HAS been done before, which means I can do it too (talk about ego!! it's kind of like my sudoku obsession--if there's a solution, gosh-darn it I should be able to figure it out)!! I've just got to keep focusing on my mini-goals. So, I've got 2 more pounds to lose in the next 12 days. When I make that goal, I'm going to treat myself to a nice little road trip...the only question is: who's coming with me? ;-)

Montage III

Friends are the family you choose for yourself...my family's dysfunctional! LOL

Montage II

Every Blog Needs a Montage...a Montage!

Just a couple of shots of me, some of my friends...and Shaq!

Inspiration from the Jazzman!

I did not write this; however, I was very moved and felt it worthy of passing along.

Posted by: TheJazzman Feb 24 2005, 10:09 PM

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, to for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with YOU, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and it's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self approval.You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of seft-reliance.You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to over look their short comings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment are born of forgiveness.You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having an raising children, or what you owe your parents.You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.Then you learn about love, romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and you that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make yourself happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely.And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your own needs.You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK... that it is your right to want things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect and you will not settle for anything less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.You learn that for the most part in life you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.You also learn that no one can do it all alone and it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR IT'SELF. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things you take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: A full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower, Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hand a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin, as best as you can, to design the life you want to live.

Always Remember...

"If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind begins to haunt you all the time." – Chogyam Trungpa

End of Week 15

Because of having to take "before" and "progress" photos, I've been taking a lot more pictures in general. This photo was taken at the Marlins home opener of my "brotha from another motha" Joe, yet another zany character. And, yes...this is what he normally looks like.

It's been a slow week in terms of weight loss progress. But as I've realized, I only lose weight about two or two-and-a-half weeks a month: usually the first week of the month I lose a couple of pounds, then my weight gradually goes up during my TOM. It stays that way for about a week, spikes even higher for a couple of days and then during the last 10-12 days of the month I drop, like, 6-8 lbs. Knowing this eases the anxiety of seeing the numbers go up on the scale, but it doesn't erase it, and I often spend those weeks in a bit of a funk. I probably shouldn't weigh myself during those days, but if don't then I won't be able to keep accurate track (which has helped me notice these patterns to begin with). {SIGH} Everyone says, "Be patient," or "Just keep doing what you're doing." And they're right, of course, but sh*t! This is EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY; EVERY FREAKIN' HOUR; EVERY F%$#*N' MEAL!!! It's soo tiresome, sometimes. I know, I know. I gotta focus on the big picture: how my health is improving, the progress I've already made, blah, blah, blah. Look, I'm not belittling what I've accomplished. Sometimes I have to grab the old photos to sort of "pinch" myself into remembering I have made progress. But, like I was telling my dad the other day, I get up, weigh myself, 5 minutes of exercise, go to work, walk a mile at lunch, come home from work, do at least 60 minutes of cardio, eat, prepare food for the next day--in between all of which I have to follow the NS food plan & chug 8 glasses of water--and when I go to sleep, thinking how proud of myself I am that I had a 100% day, I remember that, guess what? I gotta to repeat all that f*&^$n' s*#t again tomorrow!!!! And the next day, and the next day, and the day after that....and if I don't, then none of what I did before makes a gosh-darn bit of difference!!!

****Deep breath*******

What a pessimist I am. Sometimes the rant just takes ahold of you...just ask Dennis Miller. And despite all of that, I'm actually feeling pretty good today. I'm finally at those last 10-12 days of the month and I'm hoping to see the numbers continue to go down. I still feel pretty good about being able to make my birthday goal.

IRONY: I've spent my entire life hating the fact that my weight would forever be a factor in my "love" life (or lack thereof), because, let's face it, who wants to date a fat chick? And most guys I've been interested in have pretty much proved that to me. You could be bright, funny or whatever, but if you're fat most guys won't even bother to get to know you. But just in the last couple of weeks, I've had two guys tell me how "fat is sexy" and that my weight "doesn't matter." Isn't it ironic that I'd meet these fellas as I'm on the way down the scale?!? Go friggin' figure. LOL

Another Zany Character

This shot is of my friend Scott. I've decided this is what I aspire to...the picture of health and fitness...everything in moderation, of course. Why do all my friends look sooo f%$^ed up??!!?!?! (See February 16th post)

Progress Pics II

Okay, so I'm not sucking in my stomach here either. For some reason, as my sister pointed out, I look happier in my "before" photo than I do in the progress pic. I just want to explain that I just woke up in the second picture. Ummm...I guess, it's true that fat(ter) people are "jolly". (I definitely gotta get the distances right for the next set of pics.)

Progress Pics

Well, the pictures on the right show my progress over approximately 80 days on NS. The first photo was taken on Day 11 (I weighed 313.5lbs in the first one and 287 in the second). I know it totally looks like I'm sucking my stomach in in the second one, but I'm not. It's nice to be able to see some progress.

Tackling the Next 90

So, 93 days in and I feel great. I achieved my goal to reach 288 by Day 90 (Sunday) and on that day I weighed in at 287! (Time to get those dumbbells.) It's my TOM so the weight loss over this past week has been at a near stand-still, but at least I know why. I've got about 26 days to lose another 5lbs so that I can make my birthday goal. I feel very confident. I took some new photos so I can really see the difference 90 days made; I hope to post them soon.

My Gazelle arrived on Friday afternoon and Danny put it together for me Saturday morning. I gotta tell ya: it is sooo much fun!! I didn't realize I would actually enjoy a workout as much as I enjoy using that machine. I realize part of it is the novelty of the item, but I find myself jumping on it for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, even just during a TV commercial! It's better than my treadmill because it's not electric and therefore makes no noise. I don't have to turn the TV volume level to deafening in order to get through the workout, and I can have a conversation with someone next to me without having to stop & turn everything off. It even has a computer that tracks speed, distance, approximate calories burned, an odometer that keeps track of use since the beginning and a sensor to measure your pulse. Let's see if it's as good at helping me burn fat as it is fun to do.

I have to give myself a pat on the back here. During this past week I have socialized quite a bit: I went to Monty's for stone crabs to celebrate the Gator NCAA Hoop championship; I had Danny over for a movie; I went to my friend Diane's for a "jam" session with Danny and RJ; and yesterday was the Marlins game. In the past, during any one of those situations, I could easily have consumed thousands of calories in alcohol and junk food. (I'm ashamed to admit that, at times, that may even have been the GOAL). But now I've been able to excercise some control and despite deviating from the NS food, I still lost weight! I think part of the reason is that I did not compromise my work-outs.

NSV: Yesterday afternoon, I went to the Marlins home opener and I was very pleased to notice I had more room in my seat!! For once I didn't feel like all my fat was spilling over onto the people sitting next to me or that I had to squeeze past people in the rows worrying that my ass might knock over their beer or popcorn bucket. Also, the shorts I wore were the same ones I wore to the last game I went to (sometime in June) and they were MUCH looser -- in fact, I probably shouldn't have been wearing them last year. Now that I'm losing weight, I've learned how my clothes are supposed to fit. LOL.

MOMMY UPDATE: My mom has lost a total of 13lbs in 5 weeks on WW!! Everytime she loses a pound I feel like I lost it too!

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS BEING THIN FEELS!!

FLORIDA REIGNS!!!

THEY DID IT!!! THE FLORIDA GATORS ARE THE NCAA HOOPS CHAMPIONS!!!

IT'S GREAT TO BE A FLORIDA GATOR!!

More importantly, my mom's weight loss after 4 weeks on Weight Watchers totals 10lbs!!!! She's soo proud of her little pink ribbon commemorating her achievement (I guess WW prefers ribbons over bears). This month is just starting out great!

Springing Into Action!

As I end this 12th week on Nutrisystem, I look back to that first couple of weeks and how I thought I'd NEVER be able to follow this program or be successful. But I was wrong. I never really thought 3 months was a long time, but when I think of the difference the past 83 days has made in my life, I'm AMAZED. My clothes fit better; I even have a couple of pairs of pants that no longer stay up on me. I feel light on my feet and energized. I just feel GREAT!

It's a new month and I have a new goal--actually, it's the same goal I had from the start: to lose 40lbs in 4months on the program. That means I'd like to be at 280 by my birthday, May 8th (or 9th, since that's actually the 120th day on the program). Today, I weighed in at 286.5, which brings my 12-week total to 36lbs! Who'd have thought I'd have been able to maintain a 3lb-a-week rate of loss through 3 months! Just goes to show one really can do anything one puts his/her mind to.

Florida Represents!

Well, my Florida Gators did it and are going to the Finals!!! Most people in South Florida are Gator-haters, but they're the team in the Finals and I'm thrilled.

GO GATORS! IT'S GREAT TO BE A FLORIDA GATOR!!!

You Gotta Love Fridays!!

I just love Fridays!! Nothing much to report. Just wanted to share the lyrics of a song that have been inspiring me lately. It's by Natasha Bedingfield and it's called Unwritten.

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your INHIBITIONS

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

It just seems to be a very inspirational and uplifting song. It's hopeful, and I guess it speaks to my heart because for the first time in my life I'm hopeful about achieving weight loss success.

Have a great weekend, everyone. GO GATORS!!!! GO GATORS!!!!

Friday weigh-in: 322.5/288.5/180

(some of these weight-trackers are "off" by 0.5lbs, which accounts for discrepancies)

Goal 1)


I'm not going to quibble over 0.5lbs. I'm getting the damn dumbbells!!

Goal 2)

Goal 3)

March Mad Dash Victory!

My March Mad Dash to 290 is a success--3 days early!!

And my Florida Gators are in the Final Four!

What a GREAT month!

I'm soo excited to start working toward my next mini-goals.

"...weight loss is a big step along that road to fully realizing just how remarkable you can be--and every move you take toward that goal can help you become the all-around, inspired, inspirational person you know, deep down, that you were born to be." - Daily Dose, 3/29/06

Baby Steps

First off, congratulations to my Mom who has lost a total of 8lbs in her first 3 weeks on Weight Watchers!!!! She is hoping to have at least a 15lb loss to show her doctor when she goes for her next physical in a couple of months.

Which brings up another Daily Dose (from Wednesday, March 22), the focus of which is the value of setting short-term goals. In my case, I started this diet having to lose 142.5lbs to reach my target weight of 180lbs (which, mind you, is still more than 20lbs heavier than the maximum recommended weight of someone my height). Most of you have no idea how daunting and overwhelming it is to think, "Gee, I lost 2lbs this week. Great! Now, I only have 140 more to go!"

So, I've started off this 12th week on NS with some new mini-goals to aim for.

1) Day 90 on NS - April 9, 2006: 288;



2) Birthday/Day 120 on NS - May 8 or 9, 2006: 280;



3) Fourth of July: 265.




Today's Weight (starting/current/goal): 322.5/291/180

Once each of these goals is met, I will treat myself to a "non-food" reward. Goal 1 = two 8-10lb dumbbells to work my triceps. Goal 2 = weekend trip away to the Florida Keys or Disney World. Goal 3 = an IPod or digital camera.

Ideally, I want to reach 180lbs by my 32nd birthday (May 8, 2007), but that's long-term and the point is not to focus too much on that. It's one meal at a time, one work-out at a time, one day at a time.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -- Mark Twain

Cassandre the Magnificent

For those of you non-NSers and those NSers who don't read the Daily Dose, I'd like to share this past Friday's Dose with you. I got chills when I read it the first time, and still do. I feel as though it perfectly encompasses my desires and new attitude toward my weight loss journey.

Mediocre or Magnificent?
It's time for you to make a choice. You can either settle for a life of mediocrity or make the decision to go for magnificent! Let's face it: mediocrity is oftentimes "comfortable." In fact, many of us often only aspire to a state of lifelong averageness. But imagine recruiting all 118 billion brain cells in an effort to move from average to AMAZING!
But you have to make the decision to change. Think about it: what could you change about your life right now, today? Think big. How do you want to feel, look, and experience your life? All personal greatness begins with change, and all great change is fueled by having a great reason to do so. It has been said that most people know what to do, but few people do what they know. Why not? Because they have yet to find compelling enough reasons to change.
So you need to find those reasons to change. To do so, here are some questions to ask yourself:
When you look around your life right now, do you like what you see?
When you view yourself objectively, are you inspired?
Are you energetic and strong?
Does your body reflect health and confidence?
Are your relationships honest and supportive?
Are you happy with the direction of your life?
If your life were soon to be over, would you feel that you had fully realized your purpose and potential?
This weekend, use your answers to ignite your spirit and to finally find the power to change. Use them to cross from where you are presently to where you ultimately want to be, and to keep you on track during the challenges that weekends tend to bring.
The power to make your life better is within you. It may seem elusive, and it may sometimes feel like it is too late, but the truth is that you truly do have the power to manifest your wildest dreams and desires. You've had that power within yourself all along!
The secret lies in finding reasons to change—and taking action once and for all.

I want to be MAGNIFICENT!!!

What A Difference A Week Makes

Last Friday at this time I wanted to rip my stomach out of my body and stomp on it. I was "hungover" from my junk food binge, I'd gained weight and I felt utterly miserable. But that was last Friday. Today, I can be enthusiastic and mean it when I say "Thank God It's Friday (and payday, too)!!! It's amazing what a difference a week can make in terms of perspective.

I started this week with the goal to re-dedicate myself to the NS program and, more importantly, to myself. I KNOW I can be successful on this and achieve my weight loss goals. I've been trying to change up the workouts so that I don't get bored. I even made a big ticket purchase and ordered Tony Little's Gazelle. I should be getting that in a couple of weeks, and I'm excited to start a new cardio-workout, especially one that is low/no impact and promotes increased metabolism and fat-burning. (Plus, you gotta love his commercials. LOL) I've also been putting more emphasis on my abs and arms. By the way: I have a muscle. I'm not sure where it came from, but the other day I flexed my biceps and I swear it was like Popeye after he ate a can of spinach!! I'm amazed. Must be those 12-20 wall pushups I've been doing in the bathroom stall everytime I go pee (okay, maybe I'm a little overboard, but it's working!). I've noticed that even while I'd gained weight last week, my clothes were fitting great and I continued to lose inches. Hey, I'm happy with whatever makes me look and feel smaller (loss of weight or inches).

So, yesterday I went to the doctor for some labwork and, for once, I was not scolded; I was actually praised!!! Since my last visit just over a month ago, I was down 12lbs, my blood pressure was a calm 128/78 -- so much so that I was officially able to eliminate one of the my high blood pressure medications. Talk about a great Non-Scale Victory! The doctor was very pleased and congratulated me for my efforts. When I left the clinic, I thought back about all the times over the years that I dreaded going to the doctor. EVERYTHING --menstrual cramps, back pain, headaches, a broken finger or toothache--was because I was "too heavy." It got to be so that I didn't want to go, even when I really needed to. But no more!!

I was so pumped after the doctor that I had an AWESOME workout: I did my usual 20 minutes at lunch, did Leslie Sansone's 2-mile Walk Away The Pounds (I highly recommend this GREAT series of tapes--they come in 1, 2 and 3-mile workouts), 8 minutes of squats and abwork with MaDonna Grimes and walked my dog Mosley for 2.5 miles. I was soo invigorated when I went to shower; I couldn't believe how great I felt...feel!

Finally, as of this morning, I've lost 7.5 of the 8lbs I gained since the start of my TOM 2 Fridays ago and through my fall off the healthy-food wagon last week. Which means, technically, I can still lose the 4lbs necessary to meet my March Mad Dash to 290 goal by April 1st. I'm on a mission!

Getting Back On Track

After last week's Terrible Thursday, I had a very hard time. I mean, I started working out again on Friday, but I pretty much felt sick the entire weekend. I missed working out on Sunday because I was busy, but I started right back on it yesterday and am feeling good. I have now re-dedicated myself to this program and, more importantly, to myself. I want to thank all of you NSers and all of my friends who took the time to express words of support and encouragement to help me through my "meltdown." Knowing that I wasn't alone is what really helped me through. YOU GUYS ROCK!!!! I have a little under 2 weeks left to meet my March goal to weigh 290lbs. Wish me luck.

P.S. My friend Danny is an actor/comedian who is currently performing in the off-Broadway play "Tony & Tina's Wedding." The show is doing a two-week run at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts and RJ and I went to see the show on Sunday. It was a GREAT show, I had a blast (and, of course, Danny was really good!), even though I cheated and ate lunch at the "wedding buffet" table. And the best part? I got to dance with the hunky "Tony." It only cost me a dollar (and you know where I stuck it). Isn't he a cutie!?!?!

I'm An Addict

No matter that I've been "doing great". No matter that it's been more than 2 months into this new lifestyle. No matter that I truly felt that I had a "handle" on this NutriSystem program. No matter that I enjoy working out, that I no longer feel hungry or deprived, that I feel better physically than I have in years. The fact is I'm a food addict, and I always will be.

Last night I went to a high school play with a friend whose niece had a leading role (Mammy Yoakam in Lil Abner). I was doomed from the word go. I woke up late and because I had to rush to work, I didn't do my usual 25 leg lifts and 25 crunches I've been trying to get in the habit of doing. Then, because I had to dress for the play, I didn't go on my lunch time walk--I didn't want to sweat and be smelly as I wouldn't have time to go home and shower before I had to meet him at his house straight from work. I didn't have a NS dinner, but I'd already kind of half convinced myself that I could handle an evening off the program. They had hot dogs at the concession, so before the play started I had a hot dog combo (with a small bag of chips and a drink--I chose water, not soda) and a chocolate chip cookie. Not too bad, right? But that's only the beginning. During intermission I proceeded to down another hot dog and cookie. OK. Not a binge fest; nothing disgusting. But the damage was done. A couple of hours later on my way home I convinced myself that since I'd already "effed up" for the day, I may as well get away with any other little cravings I'd been having: namely, a burger. I really wanted one from Monty's, with a TON of mushrooms and sauteed onions (which, by the way, I can have unlimited quanties of on NS)...but it was late. A Wendy's classic single with cheese, no onions, would just have to do. And, of course, I just had to get a combo! So here come the Wendy's fries (not really the best in the realm of fast food French/freedom fries--McDonald's still holds that title--but they served their purpose) and a birch beer. The madness did not stop there!!! I added a 5-piece nuggets with barbecue sauce. Now, I know all of you are thinking the same thing: "Well, Cass, you know your eyes were bigger than your stomach. You've been eating soo great and soo little you couldn't possibly eat it all." And you would all be WRONG!! I ate every last crusty French fry crumb, all nuggets, all the burger and sucked the soda down to the last drop! And it was good. And I was full. And I liked it. And then I ate two spoons of peanut butter for dessert.
And today I woke up feeling hungover, as though I'd been drinking shots of tequila all night. I am still uncomfortably full and couldn't stop the projectile vomiting while I brushed my teeth. I feel sick, physically and mentally. What's worse? I'm up another 2.5lbs in addition to the 3 I put on during my TOM. I feel soo utterly terrible, so out of control and mad at myself. I can't understand why I would jeopardize my new lifestyle for a few moments of gratification, especially on a day that I'd received sooo many compliments, pats on the back for a "job well done" and encouragement to "keep up the good work". I wasn't really hungry. I should have stopped after the hot dogs. The question is could I?
Right now I'm a little numb...my stomach is still queasy so, other than my coffee, I haven't even had breakfast yet. I did get my leg lifts and crunches in this morning (I really felt antsy and anxious the whole day yesterday without the physical activity, so I wanted to get right back on that horse). I've got all my NS food lined up as usual. I can't let last night snowball...I really feel like I'll die if I do. I'm trying to look at the positives: the fact that I'm soo sick now proves that I've been doing well and I've begun to train my body to desire good, healthy foods; obviously, my stomach can no longer handle greasy, fatty fast food (no matter how good it tastes or how much my brain tells me I want it); and I did get--at least am trying--to get back right back on track with everything. I'm just sooo disappointed in myself. And it's scary to realize how close to the ledge I really am and probably always will be. Bottom line? I'm Cassandre, and I'm a food addict. Period.

Way To Go, Mom!!

Just wanted to congratulate my mom on her first successful week on Weight Watchers. She lost an amazing 5.5lbs in her first week!!! I'm soo proud of her and when I told her so, she thanked me for being her inspiration! How wonderful is that?!

Well, it's my TOM (thanks to all you NSers who helped me figure out what the hell that meant!); so i have no new weigh-in information to report. But I'll keep ya posted in a couple of days.

Sixty Days

60 days on NS and I've lost 28.5lbs!!!

That breaks down to

0.0198 pounds an hour;

0.475 pounds a day;

3.35 pounds a week; or

14.25 pounds a month!!!

I really don't care how it breaks down, just so long as it keeps coming off!!!

YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!

What's Happening To Me?!

It's confession time: I like working out! Rather than looking forward to the day I can take off, I find myself experiencing the need to go. Last year, when I first started walking, I would get on the treadmill and huff and puff for an hour and I got sooo bored. I came to dread it: I would get dressed in sweats and mill about the house for hours finding every excuse not to jump onto the treadmill. But now, it doesn't seem like a chore anymore. I mean, with the walkman and my dog it's more like an after dinner stroll (at 3mph); when I view it that way, there's no dreading it and, therefore, no desire to take a day off. (OK, maybe only the walking doesn't seem like chore. I certainly don't look forward to MaDonna's 10 minutes of hell--which, by the way, I can do everything now except the floor crunches. She's a beast!! But I can get through ALL of the squats, which is a definite improvement.)
Also, I've been trying to increase the amount of upperbody and abdominal exercises I'm doing. This past week I added about 80-100 leg lifts (4 sets of 20 or 25 reps: a set in the morning, one before and after my evening walk and one before I go to bed). I've also been using Pilates resistance bands to work my upper body. Because of my blod clotting issues, I can't think about having surgery to "nip" and "tuck" excess skin when I reach my goal, so I figure I have to do as much toning as I can along the way.
Part of me worries that this newfound enthusiasm will be fleeting, but then I remember that one of the biggest detriments to my success is dwelling on my past failures. THIS WILL NOT BE ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!!! I am a different person than I was then; I have a different perspective and handle on things. I know I can do this.

Success Feeds Off Itself

Happy Monday!! I know, I know, that's an oxymoron, for sure! Anyway, today starts week 9 on NS (Thursday is day 60); I really didn't think I'd last this long (and it's only been 2 months!!). My weight loss to date totals 26.0lbs, a weekly average of 3.25lbs GONE! I have to admit I'm pretty friggin' happy. I've gotten so much encouragement and support from my family, friends and NS buddies that it's starting to become a breeze. My mom's so inspired by my initial success that she's joined up with Weight Watchers and starts today! Success Breeds Success!!
When I see the number on the scale getting smaller, it makes it easier to be "good" that day. When I feel my pants are baggier, my shirts roomier and my bra looser, it makes me want to go work out (OK, so maybe I'm not so thrilled about my bra size getting smaller, but I can't have EVERYTHING).
When my co-workers notice my face is thinner or my waist is smaller (one even called me "Slim" this morning), I find it easier to choke down another cup of yogurt.

Despite the obstacles, like my little fiasco with the crazy homeless guy last Tuesday*, I find that concentrating the little victories here and there (finding more wiggle room in my arm chair, for example) will help me along my journey. I can't dwell on past failures (I'd have a LOT to dwell on). This journey is all about today forward.

* Okay, about the homeless guy: for the past couple of weeks, I've been taking a brisk 20 minute walk during my lunch break. I work in downtown Miami near the courthouse, an area bustling with people at nearly all times. Well, walking back toward the office, a crazy homeless guy decided I was in his path (we were on a sidewalk that could probably fit 6-8 people standing side to side). He goes to shove me but, first, balls his hands into fists and proceeds to punch the ever-loving "sugar" out of me. One fist slams my necklace pendant and grandfather's ring against my chest and the other fist hits my arm, just below my shoulder. At the same time he yells, "Get the F&@# out of my way!!" He knocked the breath out of me and I spent about 20 seconds if it even happened because all of the other people on the street went on about their business like nothing happened. FINALLY, a woman approaches me and asks me if I'm hurt or if he stole anything 'cause he'd been "doing that to people along the street." Why, if she'd witnessed this, did she not call the cops, I don't know, but that's Miami for you. I was more than a little shaken up, but I'm ok now, and the point is: I did not allow this incident to prevent me from continuing my daily lunch walk. Instead, I took the opportunity to strengthen my resolve not to allow anyone or anything to deter me from my mission.

Focusing On What I Want

I WANT people to stop telling me I'd be soo pretty "if only".
I WANT to be able to buy clothing in a department store not designated for "plus sizes."
I WANT to go places and never worry that the chairs might be too small or the walk too long.
I WANT to eat a candy bar or ice cream cone and not feel like everyone's staring at me thinking "she really shouldn't be eating that."
I WANT to ride an airplane and not have to secretly ask the stewardess for a seatbelt extender.
I WANT to walk down the street and hear men whistle cause they think I'm hot rather than "beep" at me like I'm a truck in reverse.
I WANT to go to a club and be able to dance to more than one song without feeling like I'm gonna pass out.
I WANT to not weigh more than the average NFL player.
I WANT to stop having to use the handicapped stall in public restrooms.
IF I ever get married, I WANT my husband to be able to carry me over the threshold and not get a hernia.
I WANT to step on a footstool or ladder and not worry it'll buckle under my weight.
I WANT to look good in a two-piece bathing suit.
I WANT to be able to borrow clothing from my skinny friends' closets.
I WANT to like looking at myself in the mirror.
I WANT to go to a theme park and not get pulled out of line cause I'm too fat to ride the rollercoaster.
I WANT to be noticed for my great smile, rather than my fat ass.
I WANT to be happy with myself.
I WANT to live a healthy life.

I WANT all of these things more than I want the Snickers bar I've been craving; more than I want to skip today's workout; more than I want to throw my scale onto I-95; more than I want to give up!

I WANT to remember that

IF I LOVE AND VALUE MYSELF, THE WEIGHT WILL COME OFF!!!

March Madness...

Well, as you know, I reached my first mini-goal to break the 300lb mark by March 1st. What a great feeling to have set a goal and accomplished it (and look better for doing so)! I thought about it for a couple of days and decided that my next goal will be to reach 290 by April 1st--that's a goal to lose 10.5lbs this month. I'm calling it my "March Mad Dash to 290"!! Wish me luck!!