Happier Times...

The Break-Up: Day 10

"Discontent is the first step in progress. No one knows what is in him till he tries, and many would never try if they were not forced to."– Basil Maturin

When am I going to feel better??? Every time I think I've accepted it and am ready to move on, I see, hear or even smell something that makes me remember him and a happy time with him. I don't know why I think after 10 days I should be able to move away from a relationship I thought would be my last one--we talked about marriage, kids, the whole bit. It's not easy to follow the "Oh, it's his loss" mentality, no matter what my friends say. I mean, you're my friends--of course you're on my side! I just wish I knew what I did sooo fucking wrong that he won't even talk to me. He's cut me out of his life like I was a cancer. No matter how much support I get from friends, how many people want to take me out to "cheer me up" and get my mind off of him, I can't just get over it. I realize the old adage about time healing all wounds...I'm just trying to figure out how much time this is going to take.

The quote above is from today's Daily Inspiration e-mail. I thought it particularly appropriate for me on a couple of different levels. First and foremost, my whole Nutrisystem journey was borne of the discontent I had with my body, my fitness level and general well-being. I made a decision to join NS and actually made progress physically and emotionally. The weight loss has not only transformed my body, it's transformed my outlook on life--showed me that even what I once thought was impossible can be accomplished (thanks Nido). As far as Rich goes, he was obviously discontented with me and our relationship, so his 'progress' was to walk away--didn't look back, didn't pass "GO" and didn't collect $200. I now have to take that same initiative with regard to how I'm feeling. I'm not a happy person right now, but I want to be. I have to take the steps to get there. One of those steps has been to continue my workouts despite my discouragement at gaining weight this week. Another has been to watch the eating: I want to binge on junk, fatty, comfort food even more than I don't want to work out. I want to spend every day in bed, watching The Shield (which also reminds me of him because we started renting them and watching them together) and Grey's Anatomy, eating and just not doing anything at all. Some mornings it's all I can do to get my ass out of bed to go to work. Sound like depression to you?

The Break-Up

It's been a week and I've made no progress on my FFF goal...rather, I've gained weight. And not just a pound or two, but EIGHT friggin' pounds since last Sunday! How is that even possible?!?! I'm not on my period, I've worked out 5 out of 7 days and have been eating great. It's just another thing I can't seem to understand and it's really taking an emotional toll on me. The other issue I've been consumed with is the fact that Rich decided to end our relationship after an argument last week, and despite numerous, NUMEROUS attempts to call, text, or e-mail him, he has ignored me, refusing to communicate with me. I'm at a loss. Knowing him the way I do, he's just done with me, so I've been pretty upset.

I don't know why it has ended the way it has. I get that we were starting to get on each other's nerves after he'd been staying with me for a couple of weeks while he looked for work. But, come on, after a while my habit of snoozing the alarm 57 times a morning in order to wake up and his habit of hanging wet towels everywhere but in the bathroom, were bound to result in a spat. But he just packed up most of his stuff before he even told me he was going to leave, and didn't tell me the real reason he was leaving...had I known, maybe I would have realized he just needed his space and wouldn't have called or texted, but I did. I called several times and texted what I thought were loving sentiments and got no response at all. Then, when he did call, he couldn't/wouldn't understand why I was upset. I don't need anyone to call me every hour of every day. I just would like to believe that if I make contact, I'll get a response. And when I don't get a response repeatedly, my natural instinct is to worry that the person can't respond. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache had I just realized the difference between when someone can't respond versus when they just won't.

Of course, the timing of a break-up/dumping is never good, but this big blow up happened two days before Valentine's Day. The last time I saw him (Monday) I tried to give him his card anyway, but we were so upset he just sneered "Why?" and I was so hurt that he didn't even want the card that I ripped it in two! I dropped him off at his friend's and the last words I yelled to him were "Fuck you; go to hell. And I hope you remember those are the last words I ever said to you!" Well, looks like I was right, because if it's up to him, they will be the last words I ever say to him. Infamous last words.

I always considered myself a sensitive person and non-confrontational (yeah, I'm sure the outburst I outlined above really gave you that impression). I just can't believe I allowed myself to turn into such a shrew. He told me that I made everything about me; that I needed too much attention and he hopes I find the guy who can give me every ounce of attention I need; that I complain about every little thing that is not exactly to my liking. In a nutshell? I'm a self-centered bitch. It's soo weird how two people can look at a situation and see two TOTALLY different things. I honestly believed I was thinking about him/us and trying to help him by letting him stay with me, helping him to look for work, etc. It ends up that my "constant nagging" about him not taking out the trash, cleaning the microwave or washing the dishes turned out to be worse for our relationship and outweighed the good I thought I was doing. Valentine's Day was really bad because the Monday before when we were arguing he made a point to tell me I should enjoy my V-Day present anyway [despite our fight]. It was at least the second time he alluded to the fact he was doing something special for me; had even indicated a friend of his that owns a florist would be "doing him a favor". And this was particularly important to me because we'd had many conversations about how I'm not the kind of girl who gets flowers and especially never gotten any delivered to me at work. He kept promising me this one would be different. Well, either he was full of crap about that or he was sooo pissed at me that he canceled it. I can't tell you how much I hoped the receptionist would call me to the front desk to receive a delivery of flowers or balloons or whatever amid the "oohs and aahhs" of my co-workers. He promised me. I thought at the very least, it'd be a way to diffuse the situation and I would call to thank him, we'd talk and figure it out. That was truly wishful thinking on my part. I even sent him a text that night to wish him a happy V-Day and he didn't respond. [I just hope and pray that everything is OK with his mom and daughter--mom is undergoing radiation for cancer and his daughter has a brain tumor--obviously (and for good reason), I'm the last thing on his mind. I just wanted to be there for him while he was dealing with that shit.]

I just had a three-day weekend that I spent most of at home in my nightgown and socks (hey, it was cold!). I've been battling cravings for fattening comfort food (particularly Mexican, which is my favorite, but I couldn't even indulge in that because the restaurant I go to is the one Rich and I usually go to and if I went there I'd feel even worse); I finally gave in and went to Taco Bell yesterday. Blechh!! I don't seem to want to do anything but watch TV--episodes of The Shield and Grey's Anatomy that I've been getting from Netflix--and eat. I managed to work out each day this weekend after taking Friday off, but it's a struggle. And I feel so emotionally low and defeated that I don't know where to find the strength to stay on track. I really don't. I feel like my Fabulous February is just going to fizzle out.

Thank goodness for Danny, though. He's been great about keeping me company (maybe keeping watch to make sure I'm OK). We rented Little Miss Sunshine, which was a GREAT little movie and we watched it twice. It was the highlight of my weekend and I definitely recommend it to everyone.

Sexy Bitches Wear Red

Well, it's friggin' Valentine's Day, again. The sucky part is that I actually had a valentine up until this weekend...shit happens, I guess, but I'm not expecting any flowers, chocolate or romance tonight or any time soon. Makes me very sad because I believed we were going to be valentines for a while. Instead, Danny and I will be romancing the Gators as they play Alabama this evening.

Today is also the half-way point in the month of February. I was happy to reach my Valentine's day goal weight of 265. Since the middle of November, I'd been unable to get back down to my lowest weight last year (255.5) and actually hovered between 270-280 for months until about 3 weeks ago. This past Sunday I weighed in at 261 (the most recent picture above was the Saturday night before).

So, today starts my "Fabulous February Finale" challenge to reach 255.5 by the 28th. I realize it's a tad ambitious, but I hope to and intend to continue my 25 minute lunchtime walks, 45 minute Gazelle workouts, 3 mile evening walks, and Ab-Lounge sessions. A combination of two or more of those activies daily and eating well should allow me to reach goal. Then it will be on to my March Madness Challenge...but let me not get ahead of myself.

Bus Seats Aren't As Small As I Thought...

[FYI: I wasn't hiding. I was having technical difficulties with blogger.com, but apparently they've been cleared up, so I'm back; also, you can always visit me at www.myspace.com/mizcass]
Back to blogging and to basics: Tuesday, January 23, 2007 Rich inspired me to get up early and workout before I went to work. I weighed 276. I did about 30 minutes on the Gazelle and was off to work. That night I came home and for the first time since I moved in, walked up and down the street I live on (exactly 2 miles round trip from my parking spot). That was 2 weeks ago today and except for both Saturdays, I have worked out every single day!! I also have resumed my daily walks during my lunch break, 25-30 minutes around downtown (don't worry, I'm watching out for any punching homeless men). In the evenings I alternate between 35-45 minutes on the Gazelle and walking 2 miles outside (last night I walked 3 miles). PLUS, my mom recently bought Tony Little's Ab-Lounge Xtreme and has since given (sold) it to me. [What was originally my den is now my Tony Little workout room--if I manage to get go goal, I'm going to have to write him a thank-you letter.] I've been doing about 100 crunches a day. Something must be working because last Thursday I reached my goal to hit 265 before Valentine's Day (Friday my TOM started so I'm not weighing this week). It is the most progress I've made since Labor Day, and I'm encouraged. Actually, I'm encouraged for a number of reasons: like I mentioned, it's my TOM so, of course, I'm feeling bloated and crampy and all-around cruddy (like the recent weather here); well, I wore my skinny jeans to work yesterday (don't ask me why) but I was actually comfortable all day!!! I had a feeling that the Ab-Lounge had worked some inches off my midsection but I couldn't be sure cause my lazy butt didn't measure myself before I started. YAY!

So, last week I started taking the bus to work. Drive to the park & ride, take the downtown express bus and it drops me off right in front of my building. It's been great to be able to sleep on the way to and from work. I almost can't believe I'm enjoying taking the bus. I've been taking the bus to school and everywhere else since I was a kid and until I was in my mid-20s when I had a car of my own. And I hated it! The main reason is unless the bus was fairly empty, I felt crowded and uncomfortable--the damn seats are sooo small! Well ( insert sheepish grin) you know, the bus seats aren't that small. I mean, this past week I've noticed that I actually fit completely into one seat instead of 1/3 of my arse spilling over into the next one. People can actually sit next to me and not have to sit sideways. My knees aren't constantly jutting into the seats in front of me and I don't feel like I'm suffocating fellow passengers on either side when I walk down the aisle looking for a seat. I can't tell you what a feeling that is--an incredible NSV. Like lying down on my side and feeling my knees touch each other sans two inches of fat in between--I have BONES!

So, I feel like I'm back on track and hoping to stay that way (I know you're watching me, Leigh. LOL!!). Gotta keep my eye on the prize. Next major goal is to reach 247.5 by my birthday, which is exactly 13 weeks away. That would give me a total of 75lbs lost since I started this thing. The picture above was taken on February 2, Groundhog Day, 2007. My shadow's a lot smaller this year than it was last year. LOL!