Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Break-Up

It's been a week and I've made no progress on my FFF goal...rather, I've gained weight. And not just a pound or two, but EIGHT friggin' pounds since last Sunday! How is that even possible?!?! I'm not on my period, I've worked out 5 out of 7 days and have been eating great. It's just another thing I can't seem to understand and it's really taking an emotional toll on me. The other issue I've been consumed with is the fact that Rich decided to end our relationship after an argument last week, and despite numerous, NUMEROUS attempts to call, text, or e-mail him, he has ignored me, refusing to communicate with me. I'm at a loss. Knowing him the way I do, he's just done with me, so I've been pretty upset.

I don't know why it has ended the way it has. I get that we were starting to get on each other's nerves after he'd been staying with me for a couple of weeks while he looked for work. But, come on, after a while my habit of snoozing the alarm 57 times a morning in order to wake up and his habit of hanging wet towels everywhere but in the bathroom, were bound to result in a spat. But he just packed up most of his stuff before he even told me he was going to leave, and didn't tell me the real reason he was leaving...had I known, maybe I would have realized he just needed his space and wouldn't have called or texted, but I did. I called several times and texted what I thought were loving sentiments and got no response at all. Then, when he did call, he couldn't/wouldn't understand why I was upset. I don't need anyone to call me every hour of every day. I just would like to believe that if I make contact, I'll get a response. And when I don't get a response repeatedly, my natural instinct is to worry that the person can't respond. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache had I just realized the difference between when someone can't respond versus when they just won't.

Of course, the timing of a break-up/dumping is never good, but this big blow up happened two days before Valentine's Day. The last time I saw him (Monday) I tried to give him his card anyway, but we were so upset he just sneered "Why?" and I was so hurt that he didn't even want the card that I ripped it in two! I dropped him off at his friend's and the last words I yelled to him were "Fuck you; go to hell. And I hope you remember those are the last words I ever said to you!" Well, looks like I was right, because if it's up to him, they will be the last words I ever say to him. Infamous last words.

I always considered myself a sensitive person and non-confrontational (yeah, I'm sure the outburst I outlined above really gave you that impression). I just can't believe I allowed myself to turn into such a shrew. He told me that I made everything about me; that I needed too much attention and he hopes I find the guy who can give me every ounce of attention I need; that I complain about every little thing that is not exactly to my liking. In a nutshell? I'm a self-centered bitch. It's soo weird how two people can look at a situation and see two TOTALLY different things. I honestly believed I was thinking about him/us and trying to help him by letting him stay with me, helping him to look for work, etc. It ends up that my "constant nagging" about him not taking out the trash, cleaning the microwave or washing the dishes turned out to be worse for our relationship and outweighed the good I thought I was doing. Valentine's Day was really bad because the Monday before when we were arguing he made a point to tell me I should enjoy my V-Day present anyway [despite our fight]. It was at least the second time he alluded to the fact he was doing something special for me; had even indicated a friend of his that owns a florist would be "doing him a favor". And this was particularly important to me because we'd had many conversations about how I'm not the kind of girl who gets flowers and especially never gotten any delivered to me at work. He kept promising me this one would be different. Well, either he was full of crap about that or he was sooo pissed at me that he canceled it. I can't tell you how much I hoped the receptionist would call me to the front desk to receive a delivery of flowers or balloons or whatever amid the "oohs and aahhs" of my co-workers. He promised me. I thought at the very least, it'd be a way to diffuse the situation and I would call to thank him, we'd talk and figure it out. That was truly wishful thinking on my part. I even sent him a text that night to wish him a happy V-Day and he didn't respond. [I just hope and pray that everything is OK with his mom and daughter--mom is undergoing radiation for cancer and his daughter has a brain tumor--obviously (and for good reason), I'm the last thing on his mind. I just wanted to be there for him while he was dealing with that shit.]

I just had a three-day weekend that I spent most of at home in my nightgown and socks (hey, it was cold!). I've been battling cravings for fattening comfort food (particularly Mexican, which is my favorite, but I couldn't even indulge in that because the restaurant I go to is the one Rich and I usually go to and if I went there I'd feel even worse); I finally gave in and went to Taco Bell yesterday. Blechh!! I don't seem to want to do anything but watch TV--episodes of The Shield and Grey's Anatomy that I've been getting from Netflix--and eat. I managed to work out each day this weekend after taking Friday off, but it's a struggle. And I feel so emotionally low and defeated that I don't know where to find the strength to stay on track. I really don't. I feel like my Fabulous February is just going to fizzle out.

Thank goodness for Danny, though. He's been great about keeping me company (maybe keeping watch to make sure I'm OK). We rented Little Miss Sunshine, which was a GREAT little movie and we watched it twice. It was the highlight of my weekend and I definitely recommend it to everyone.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

Ohh Cass....I'm sorry you are going through this. I really wish you would have gotten those flowers for V-Day. One day you will. Just remember what a wonderful thing you are doing getting healthy. And one day you will find someone as fabulous as you deserve. Hang in there!!!