Tuesday, February 03, 2009

The Break-Up

We’ve broken up. We needed time apart. I’d been feeling this way for a while, but I didn’t know how to let go. I mean, we’ve been together nearly every day for more than 3 years. I’d come to develop this weird dependency: he made me miserable, but I couldn’t walk away. In all our time together, for every 50 times we didn’t see eye to eye, there was maybe only 1 or 2 times that he’d say the right thing and make me happy.

Everyone kept telling me, "You don’t need him,""He’s a liar,""He’s old and doesn’t know what he’s talking about," or "Just find yourself a new one, there are plenty out there." I just kept hoping that if I made an effort and really, really tried, he’d change for me. Sometimes, he’d be good for a day or two, then revert to his old ways. I stuck with him anyway. Even though things weren’t working out. Even though in my heart of hearts I knew it was him and not me! How effed up is that?!!

I have had no contact with him for more than a week now. It’s difficult cause I still see him everyday, but we don’t communicate. I think I’m finally ready to move on. I know he was holding me back and I’m not about to let his vision of me define me. It doesn’t matter what he says! It only matters how I feel, what I do to make myself better and be the person I want to be, and I don’t need to focus on him like his assessment of me is the meaning of life.

Besides, I have my eye on a new one. I think it could be the one. But I’m not going to jump in just yet. I need some time alone, to think and re-evaluate. I’m going to really take my time to decide what it is I want from this relationship. And what I’ve learned is that when I commit like this again -- and I will -- I’m not going to limit myself. I’m going to aim high! I want a scale with all the bells and whistles! One that doesn’t just tell me my weight, but measures my fat content as well! One that stores my previous weight in memory for quick comparisons! One that measures in pounds AND kilograms! Maybe even one that talks!! ... or maybe not. My point is I’m not going to settle! And as far as my old scale? I’m over him.


Andre said...

Well, everything you said to yourself, you have the answers right there. The real problem, I think, is that just as we are addicted to consuming and we buy stuff that we don't need just out of inertia, we become addicted or at least, so very used to "having to have" a significant other to validate ourselves in society, that it becomes similar to consuming. We do it out of inertia, we do it to get a kick, we do it not to be depressed, etc. I have had to spend months living on my own between moving back and forth from Guatemala to the USA and I have grown to enjoy being on my own so much, that I often miss it! It was depressing at first and after a while, it became quite exhilarating. I made new friends, I went places on my own, I re-acquainted myself with myself, I read a lot, I got into art classes and made even more friends... you're one of the funnest people I know, it's such a joy to hang with you. Get to know and enjoy yourself and don't worry about another man anytime soon. I am sure you'll like it.

Anonymous said...

I posted by mistake under Andre's name, but that above was moi, the mistress of your universe. Though I am sure Andre would have said the same.


Anonymous said...

Yo, you can def. be alone. What's crazy, is after the intial depression and missing what you thought you loved, you'll realize you're even happier being alone than when you were with him! What's more is your standards for yourself will be better and you'll by happy being alone till someone fits with you :-)
and if you need any tips on how to have fun and live it up being single, just ask! i'm an expert!!! lol