Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Break-Up: Day 10

"Discontent is the first step in progress. No one knows what is in him till he tries, and many would never try if they were not forced to."– Basil Maturin

When am I going to feel better??? Every time I think I've accepted it and am ready to move on, I see, hear or even smell something that makes me remember him and a happy time with him. I don't know why I think after 10 days I should be able to move away from a relationship I thought would be my last one--we talked about marriage, kids, the whole bit. It's not easy to follow the "Oh, it's his loss" mentality, no matter what my friends say. I mean, you're my friends--of course you're on my side! I just wish I knew what I did sooo fucking wrong that he won't even talk to me. He's cut me out of his life like I was a cancer. No matter how much support I get from friends, how many people want to take me out to "cheer me up" and get my mind off of him, I can't just get over it. I realize the old adage about time healing all wounds...I'm just trying to figure out how much time this is going to take.

The quote above is from today's Daily Inspiration e-mail. I thought it particularly appropriate for me on a couple of different levels. First and foremost, my whole Nutrisystem journey was borne of the discontent I had with my body, my fitness level and general well-being. I made a decision to join NS and actually made progress physically and emotionally. The weight loss has not only transformed my body, it's transformed my outlook on life--showed me that even what I once thought was impossible can be accomplished (thanks Nido). As far as Rich goes, he was obviously discontented with me and our relationship, so his 'progress' was to walk away--didn't look back, didn't pass "GO" and didn't collect $200. I now have to take that same initiative with regard to how I'm feeling. I'm not a happy person right now, but I want to be. I have to take the steps to get there. One of those steps has been to continue my workouts despite my discouragement at gaining weight this week. Another has been to watch the eating: I want to binge on junk, fatty, comfort food even more than I don't want to work out. I want to spend every day in bed, watching The Shield (which also reminds me of him because we started renting them and watching them together) and Grey's Anatomy, eating and just not doing anything at all. Some mornings it's all I can do to get my ass out of bed to go to work. Sound like depression to you?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Cass, I know I am not in your life and living it... I can see why you are upset about the breakup. It must hurt when you spend so much of your life with someone and poof... they just disappear. You have every right to be upset and hurt. He on the other hand, sounds like he may have some issues (ie, looking for work - that is a real emotional stab, staying with you, feeling as though he is not in charge of his destiny). You may have been the person he felt was safest to "go off on," or exert control of his life by monitoring WHEN he will contact you. It certainly is not right and it is rude to treat you like that - especially if you gave him a roof over his head and the ability to get his head straight. Regardless, try to stay positive. You appear to be a wonderful, bright woman with so much to offer. Remember to take care of YOURSELF even if you don't feel like doing so. I am sure he will come around to communicating with you shortly. But, you need to stay strong and do some soul searching about this relationship also. If he runs and cuts off communication without regard for your heart/feelings... is he truly "the one?" A true love/man will take your heart and cherish it and protect it. You DESERVE to have a love like that. Keep up your journey of getting healthier, fit and even more lovely than you already are... you are more of a "catch" then even you may realize! My best to you and I say a little prayer that your heart is softened and healed. :)