Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Keeping Hope Alive

I certainly hope that how I've been feeling lately is temporary... I'm not sure how much I can handle before I completely lose my sense of self. I know I make it sound much more dire than it is, but the fact is I'm still having a very tough emotional time as a result of my recent break-up. My friend Trudy has reminded me that a break-up is "the loss of a loved one" which requires grieving, a mourning period that lasts longer than a day or two or even a week or two. I thought I would (at least I wanted to) be able to move on with as much ease as Rich has. Danny has seen him around and says he seems fine: not so depressed or bad off that he can't go to work or hang out with his friends, though that's what he told me the problem was: that he's soo depressed he can't possibly explain to me the pain he's in; how his mom's cancer is spreading; how he's barely seen his daughter in the last month; how he's soo messed up that ANY relationship he tried to be in would be doomed; that he thanks me for helping him find a job, but that he really needed to focus on more important personal priorities right now; how he can't be a boyfriend to me..."maybe friends"; how if I really loved him like I said, I'd go to WebMD and look up the symptoms of depression instead of making everything about me when I take his actions personally (all of which he tells me by text message)--HOW COULD I NOT TAKE THEM PERSONALLY??!?!? He told me he loved me, that he thought I was special and wanted to make a life with me, that he wanted his daughter to get to know me and start getting used to me because I was part of his life. He told me he wanted to have children with me, said he thought I'd be a great mother (and I as I rapidly approach the ripe old maid age of 32, you may see how important that is/was to me). He told me he wanted to be in a position to help me so that I could go to law school; he felt that I'm smart enough and wanted to help me so we could make a future we both wanted. I've known this guy for nearly 15 years; he was my 'first'; it took him 13 years to tell me he loved me and then he takes it all away six months later. How can he go on about his life like nothing happened when there are times I can barely find the energy to get out of bed, dress myself and go to work? Why am I not angrier instead of being soo fucking hurt? And when I do feel angry it's at myself rather than him: I'm upset that I let him dupe me...when he first told me how he felt, I resisted; so much so that he said he felt I didn't love him enough. Then I committed, and apparently, that was my downfall. I gave him everything; denied him nothing, and he walked away without a glance back. And here I am alone and grieving...
...but I'm still here. Which brings me back to HOPE. I do believe what I feel right now is temporary (Please, GOD, let it be temporary!). I want to remember that just because he's not with me doesn't mean I'm alone. I have tried to listen to my friends' advice not to spend time and energy trying to figure out what I did wrong. Maybe we were just wrong for each other. I just thought that after all the time we've known each other and what we supposedly meant to each other, I deserved better than to be dumped by way of a text message (That ranks right up there with Phil Collins divorcing his wife by fax!) I KNOW the romantic relationship is over, but I did think we were friends. I don't sleep with, go on trips with or let mere acquaintances live with me. The point is that I can't expect my hurt feelings to just go away. Obviously, the relationship meant a lot more to me than it did to him. What I'm trying to do now is pay attention to his text that said it was time to focus on more personal priorities: for me, my weight and doing well enough at work so that one day I can go to law school. Makes me sad because he was soo encouraging of my weight loss, he was even the catalyst that helped me to get back on track 3 months ago so that I lost 23.5lbs since January 23. I want to try new things that will help me focus on ME...not what's wrong with me, but what's right. Right now my new thing is to utilize the muscle confusion principle. Basically, I feel my body has adjusted to my cardio workouts (Gazelle and walking) and though I sweat and feel great afterward, I needed a boost. So, I purchased a TaeBo DVD...the shortest one I could find which is about 36 minutes. I've done it 4 times and I still haven't seen how it ends. Let me tell you, I sweat as much after 15 minutes of TaeBo than 40 minutes on the Gazelle or even a 4-mile walk! And for Easter weekend I was sooo friggin' SORE!! I mean, sitting down, getting in and out of my car...OOOWWWW!!! Now, I can move without whimpering, but barely. But it's an AMAZING workout and Billy Blanks really pumps you up. Hopefully, I'll be tackling this workout for a while and see what difference it makes after 3 or 4 months. I also bought a balance ball, which is soo fun. Back in the day I would have NEVER tried to get on what amounts to a big balloon, but to my surprise it has a weight capacity of 300lbs..and I'm not that close to 300 anymore, am I?! :-) It's a great stretch and muscle strengthener and it improves my balance and body control, but it's mostly just fun rolling around on it. LOL.
So, now, like the Reverend Jesse Jackson, my motto is "keep hope alive." I KNOW I'm going to get past this, it's just a matter of when. Soon, I hope. Even writing this blog post was an important step because I've been soo down I haven't even felt like writing, talking on the phone or doing anything social other than drinking. Not good for the diet or me. But, one step at a time.

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