Thursday, April 12, 2007

Making a Difference in Me

"I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to matter: to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all." – Leo Rosten
What matters to me most right now is getting my body and mind in sync so as to be stronger and healthier physically and spiritually. Yesterday I got made it to the end of the TaeBo workout for the second time. I've been doing it for about a week and though I'm still sore, I can now move without whimpering. Billy Blanks' workout is incredibly intense and and though he looks very scary, he's very encouraging. "You gotta give some to get some" is basically his motto. He challenges me to focus on the workout and appreciate the doing (or even trying) things I never thought I could. And each time I do it, I'm able to complete one or two more reps of various exercises than I was the previous time. That's progress. Another NSV (non-scale victory) shows in my picture. Not the beautiful Titleville Gator Chompionship T-shirt, but rather the denim shorts: they are size 18!!!! 18, 18, 18!!!!! Oh, and the shirt is only an XL, rather than the XXL or XXXL (if I was lucky) that I usually have to buy. Oh, hallelujah!!!
I forgot how much support NS gives...maybe I thought that since I'd been on the program for over a year, I could handle it on my own. Well, obviously, I was mistaken. I was reading some comments on my guestbook on my NS profile page and I was nearly in tears. Virtual strangers extolling my virtues, commending my discipline, calling me an inspiration!! Me?! ... I think I needed some of that.
It's my TOM, which I'd like to believe sparked my emotional breakdown this weekend. Perhaps, I can chalk it all up to PMS and moodiness rather than being a lovesick puppy who is slow to heal. However, a friend sent me the following quote by Fran├žois de La Rochefoucauld "The heart is forever making the head its fool," and I found it to be very true in my case. I KNOW intellectually what to do and how to handle moving on, but my heart keeps wanting to make excuses for his behavior: he's stressed, depressed, tired, over-worked, underpaid, in debt, whatever. But I have to stop focusing on him or what's wrong with me. It's all about what's right with me.
So, in addition to the TaeBo I've been adding extra protein to my diet: sliced turkey, boiled eggs, etc. I've also started using South Beach Diet high protein cereal bars -- the peanut butter one tastes great -- and some of their lunches. Their entrees are significantly higher in protein and since I don't think I'd been eating enough to offset the calories I was burning, I'm hoping this will help boost me into the 240s and soon. My next mini-challenge that will start Monday will be to reach 245 by May 8th, my birthday goal. I want to start getting into more size 18 clothing. Wish me luck!!

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