No matter that I've been "doing great". No matter that it's been more than 2 months into this new lifestyle. No matter that I truly felt that I had a "handle" on this NutriSystem program. No matter that I enjoy working out, that I no longer feel hungry or deprived, that I feel better physically than I have in years. The fact is I'm a food addict, and I always will be.
Last night I went to a high school play with a friend whose niece had a leading role (Mammy Yoakam in Lil Abner). I was doomed from the word go. I woke up late and because I had to rush to work, I didn't do my usual 25 leg lifts and 25 crunches I've been trying to get in the habit of doing. Then, because I had to dress for the play, I didn't go on my lunch time walk--I didn't want to sweat and be smelly as I wouldn't have time to go home and shower before I had to meet him at his house straight from work. I didn't have a NS dinner, but I'd already kind of half convinced myself that I could handle an evening off the program. They had hot dogs at the concession, so before the play started I had a hot dog combo (with a small bag of chips and a drink--I chose water, not soda) and a chocolate chip cookie. Not too bad, right? But that's only the beginning. During intermission I proceeded to down another hot dog and cookie. OK. Not a binge fest; nothing disgusting. But the damage was done. A couple of hours later on my way home I convinced myself that since I'd already "effed up" for the day, I may as well get away with any other little cravings I'd been having: namely, a burger. I really wanted one from Monty's, with a TON of mushrooms and sauteed onions (which, by the way, I can have unlimited quanties of on NS)...but it was late. A Wendy's classic single with cheese, no onions, would just have to do. And, of course, I just had to get a combo! So here come the Wendy's fries (not really the best in the realm of fast food French/freedom fries--McDonald's still holds that title--but they served their purpose) and a birch beer. The madness did not stop there!!! I added a 5-piece nuggets with barbecue sauce. Now, I know all of you are thinking the same thing: "Well, Cass, you know your eyes were bigger than your stomach. You've been eating soo great and soo little you couldn't possibly eat it all." And you would all be WRONG!! I ate every last crusty French fry crumb, all nuggets, all the burger and sucked the soda down to the last drop! And it was good. And I was full. And I liked it. And then I ate two spoons of peanut butter for dessert.
And today I woke up feeling hungover, as though I'd been drinking shots of tequila all night. I am still uncomfortably full and couldn't stop the projectile vomiting while I brushed my teeth. I feel sick, physically and mentally. What's worse? I'm up another 2.5lbs in addition to the 3 I put on during my TOM. I feel soo utterly terrible, so out of control and mad at myself. I can't understand why I would jeopardize my new lifestyle for a few moments of gratification, especially on a day that I'd received sooo many compliments, pats on the back for a "job well done" and encouragement to "keep up the good work". I wasn't really hungry. I should have stopped after the hot dogs. The question is could I?
Right now I'm a little numb...my stomach is still queasy so, other than my coffee, I haven't even had breakfast yet. I did get my leg lifts and crunches in this morning (I really felt antsy and anxious the whole day yesterday without the physical activity, so I wanted to get right back on that horse). I've got all my NS food lined up as usual. I can't let last night snowball...I really feel like I'll die if I do. I'm trying to look at the positives: the fact that I'm soo sick now proves that I've been doing well and I've begun to train my body to desire good, healthy foods; obviously, my stomach can no longer handle greasy, fatty fast food (no matter how good it tastes or how much my brain tells me I want it); and I did get--at least am trying--to get back right back on track with everything. I'm just sooo disappointed in myself. And it's scary to realize how close to the ledge I really am and probably always will be. Bottom line? I'm Cassandre, and I'm a food addict. Period.