Friday, March 17, 2006

I'm An Addict

No matter that I've been "doing great". No matter that it's been more than 2 months into this new lifestyle. No matter that I truly felt that I had a "handle" on this NutriSystem program. No matter that I enjoy working out, that I no longer feel hungry or deprived, that I feel better physically than I have in years. The fact is I'm a food addict, and I always will be.

Last night I went to a high school play with a friend whose niece had a leading role (Mammy Yoakam in Lil Abner). I was doomed from the word go. I woke up late and because I had to rush to work, I didn't do my usual 25 leg lifts and 25 crunches I've been trying to get in the habit of doing. Then, because I had to dress for the play, I didn't go on my lunch time walk--I didn't want to sweat and be smelly as I wouldn't have time to go home and shower before I had to meet him at his house straight from work. I didn't have a NS dinner, but I'd already kind of half convinced myself that I could handle an evening off the program. They had hot dogs at the concession, so before the play started I had a hot dog combo (with a small bag of chips and a drink--I chose water, not soda) and a chocolate chip cookie. Not too bad, right? But that's only the beginning. During intermission I proceeded to down another hot dog and cookie. OK. Not a binge fest; nothing disgusting. But the damage was done. A couple of hours later on my way home I convinced myself that since I'd already "effed up" for the day, I may as well get away with any other little cravings I'd been having: namely, a burger. I really wanted one from Monty's, with a TON of mushrooms and sauteed onions (which, by the way, I can have unlimited quanties of on NS)...but it was late. A Wendy's classic single with cheese, no onions, would just have to do. And, of course, I just had to get a combo! So here come the Wendy's fries (not really the best in the realm of fast food French/freedom fries--McDonald's still holds that title--but they served their purpose) and a birch beer. The madness did not stop there!!! I added a 5-piece nuggets with barbecue sauce. Now, I know all of you are thinking the same thing: "Well, Cass, you know your eyes were bigger than your stomach. You've been eating soo great and soo little you couldn't possibly eat it all." And you would all be WRONG!! I ate every last crusty French fry crumb, all nuggets, all the burger and sucked the soda down to the last drop! And it was good. And I was full. And I liked it. And then I ate two spoons of peanut butter for dessert.
And today I woke up feeling hungover, as though I'd been drinking shots of tequila all night. I am still uncomfortably full and couldn't stop the projectile vomiting while I brushed my teeth. I feel sick, physically and mentally. What's worse? I'm up another 2.5lbs in addition to the 3 I put on during my TOM. I feel soo utterly terrible, so out of control and mad at myself. I can't understand why I would jeopardize my new lifestyle for a few moments of gratification, especially on a day that I'd received sooo many compliments, pats on the back for a "job well done" and encouragement to "keep up the good work". I wasn't really hungry. I should have stopped after the hot dogs. The question is could I?
Right now I'm a little stomach is still queasy so, other than my coffee, I haven't even had breakfast yet. I did get my leg lifts and crunches in this morning (I really felt antsy and anxious the whole day yesterday without the physical activity, so I wanted to get right back on that horse). I've got all my NS food lined up as usual. I can't let last night snowball...I really feel like I'll die if I do. I'm trying to look at the positives: the fact that I'm soo sick now proves that I've been doing well and I've begun to train my body to desire good, healthy foods; obviously, my stomach can no longer handle greasy, fatty fast food (no matter how good it tastes or how much my brain tells me I want it); and I did get--at least am trying--to get back right back on track with everything. I'm just sooo disappointed in myself. And it's scary to realize how close to the ledge I really am and probably always will be. Bottom line? I'm Cassandre, and I'm a food addict. Period.


Jamie said...

Hey Cass.....don't be so hard on yourself. We have all had (and will have) slip ups. The important thing here is that you got right back on track. That is key!! You might hold onto some 'salt/water gain' for a few days, but if you stay focused on the plan it will melt right off. You have done amazing so far and will continue to do so. Keep your chin up!

Valerie said...

I also want to point out that there was quite a bit of sodium in your binge. I think if you are right back on program, you'll find that it doesn't cost you the entire 2.5 you think it will. We really all do go through this at some point, so I'm sure we can all understand how you feel.