Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Love Stings

When I wrote the title of this post, I meant to write "Love Stinks"...but "stings" works too. It just sucks. Why? Well, I'm in 'luv' with an idiot...we'll call him "Lizard-Boy" as Danny has named him. Smart? Yes. Funny? Yes. Cute? Yes. Talented? Yes. Likes me? He says he does...but as we all know, actions speak louder than words. So, yes, at this point, I doubt his veracity when he tells me he has feelings for me. Problem is, I have yet to be able to "kick him to the curb"!! I don't know why. I mean, he doesn't treat me badly or anything. He can be (and has been) very sweet and kind at times. He's never treated me differently because of my weight; in fact, though he's been very supportive of my weight loss endeavor, he's made a point to tell me that he "loved me the way I was and the way I am now, so long as I'm happy." [I'm sure he must have been drunk, 'cause guys are only that sweet in the movies.] He can also be extremely inconsiderate and thoughtless. I've yet to determine whether those instances are intentional to get me "off his back" or if he's just being a guy (no offense, guys). [BTW, Guys, what the hell is wrong with just telling a gal you don' t like her 'in that way' or that you just 'want to be friends'???!?]
Anyway, I guess the reason I'm writing this now is because I got an e-mail forward from Colleen today that included this quote about love: "Love is when that special someone sticks around with you until you realize that you love them back, and if you don't they are still there waiting for the day you'll realize that no one else can love you in that way..." It immediately struck a chord with me and I've been thinking about it all day. I guess because I go back and forth whether a relationship that "could" or "may" be in the future is worth being patient for. Or am I just being a SUCKER & LOSER?! I'm sure most women would have let it go by now figuring that if he hasn't committed yet, he never will. But (1) when I get attached, it's VERY hard to un-stick myself and (2) I'm not even sure I want a committed relationship right now. I mean I'm in an state of transformation right now and I want to be sure I am the Cassandre I am happy with before I pursue an exclusive relationship. Doesn't mean I'm not a little lonely, though. :-(
Another reason I felt this topic was blog-worthy is because, at core, this issue is all tied up with my weight and self-esteem. Part of me doesn't want to give up on him because I believe there will never be any one else who makes me feel that way. [I gotta give him credit. He makes me feel like I was a freshman in high school when I was in love/obsessed with (same difference) with the senior stud David Willard. That boy was just adorable and I got chicken skin and butterflies in my stomach everytime he walked down the hallway.] Why should I feel unlovable, unattractive, and unsexy just because I don't look like Beyonce or Tyra Banks?! BIG GIRLS NEED LOVE TOO! (Thank goodness for F.W.Bs!!)

4 comments:

Paul said...

Alright before I read this I just read the comment you left in Jamie's blog and I want to know does this involve donkeys in anyway LOL :-)

Tressa said...

sounds like your in the beginning stages, that dreamy eye phase. you like him and all and he likes you too, but you should not be treated like crap in anyway or sometimes regardless (dont make excuses for his actions, please). don't waste your time with someone who doesn't always give you the respect/kindness you deserve! even with self esteem issues, if you have doubts- that's usually you in your heart knowing that somethings not right and you just have to convince your mind of it. Hope that makes sense. I left my ex when finally I realized I deserved better than that- I was worth it and although it wasn't easy at all- it was the best move I ever made! I hope you can get it down to the nitty gritty before years go by and you feel 'stuck'.

Anonymous said...

Cass,

I can't remember if I told you this before, but it bears repeating ...
You are smart, funny and gorgeous. If "Lizard Boy" can't get his act together and be a real man (i.e., make a decision and stick to it), then you need to move on and find a nice guy that would appreciate you for the cool girl you are.

-Flash

Leigh said...

I think we all go through this at one point or another. Although it doesn't make it any easier, just know that I know exactly where you're coming from. I've stayed with total assholes at times because I was afraid I'd never get anyone else, and I thought I'd be happier being miserable with someone, than alone. Does that make sense? I don't know...hang in there gorgeous. If I ever go lesbian, I'll give you a call. *wink*